Used fork lies lonely
Memories of a breakfast
Uniquely Human
It’s been a while since I last wrote, and I know the reason why. I’ve been busy. It takes a lot of time to think clearly. For some time now, I have been aware of a certain fuzziness in my thoughts that wasn’t there when I was in sabbatical in Jabalpur.
It seems that an artist needs to suffer if he (Pardon the ‘he’ instead of he/she, it’s just easier to write) is to create something. Happiness is just not conducive to art. My huge edifices of thought that I built up in Jabalpur were due to the result of intense conflict, and struggle. I have never risen to a greater height, and am woefully aware of my inadequacy now.
Nonetheless, I have felt some creative urges coming up in me for some time now. But this means that I have to struggle to fit in time for creativity, into an already overburdened schedule. I’ve cut off superfluous interests, and still don’t’ have time for what I have left. I’ve given up chess, for me, the most poignant and romantic game. I’ve given up Japanese, and any new language. I’ve given up painting as well. And yet, I struggle to find time to play the guitar and sing, do my Tai chi, and read as well. Now I must juggle one more activity.
Nonetheless, it seems I have been learning. Apart from the huge learning in my office, and professional life, I’ve been tasting the undiluted experiences of being in a committed relationship. I haven’t yet got much time for reflection on what I’ve been going through, because I’m still going through it. There are several challenges. Getting used to the fact that the person you live with has their own life, and their own personality, separate from yours, trying to juggle your work life and personal life, coming to terms with the other persons character traits, and accepting them for what they are.
I’ve also been relearning things about myself that I had forgotten. It’s not as if the relationship has taught me anything I didn’t know about per se, but just that I’m now walking the talk.
I’ve been doing my fair share of reading as well. I think my new favorite author is Feodor Dostoevsky. I had given the guy a whirl with Crime and Punishment, earlier, and thought nothing great of him. But when I read ‘Brothers Karamazov’, I was blown away. The man is a genius. His insight into human psychology is worthy of a Freud.
On the other hand, I’ve almost finished reading ‘Anne of the Green Gables’, by Lucy Maud Montgomery. It reminds me of how much I have lost.
I was walking home yesterday after a particularly rotten day at work (On a Sunday dammit), and it suddenly occurred to me that when I was peaceful in Jabalpur, I didn’t know the people I am working with now, and I hadn’t conceived of the project I am involved in now, and at that time, even without knowing about them, I was perfectly content. So surely they could not be that important. I look upon my Jabalpur experience, full of pitfalls though it was, as the time when I was closest to myself. And maybe wisest, though I have the feeling that after all my recent experiences, I will be wiser still, at some date after I have assimilated all that I have been through. Time.
So after this realization, I slowed down my walk, and began to look around with a lighter heart, and all at once I noticed things on the road that I had missed before, even though I have been travelling that very same road for 16 years now. A little bust of some guy, (a stud, I have no doubt) at the corner, a gap between houses filled with sand, beyond which there was a wall, which just invited climbing over and exploring, dozens of little alleyways, which some child will call home one day, and look back on with fond memories. It was delightful, and for a moment, I caught that which I had missed. Myself.
With work on my Online Reporting System at Zak in Asp .Net proceeding rapidly, I thought that it was time to give it a name – Grond. I’m a big fan of Tolkien, and in his book, the Silmarillion, he mentions Grond, as being the Hammer of the Underworld. So now, it’s Grond Online Reporting System. Ha, I’ve created a brand name!
It’s odd. I feel as if I’ve made something that is outside me, and can be referred to by others. This sort of feeling reminds me that one day, I’m actually going to pass into nothing, and all urges to leave something behind, and make a mark, are symptoms of an imperfect acceptance of that simple fact.
Meanwhile, my Tai Chi is doing good. Some peaceful hours in the morning doing it, is really very soothing. Right now, I’m on an up curve. I’m active, I’m creating, and I’m doing things, with not much time in between to think. But sooner or later, this will break. I’ll start getting contemplative, face an existential crisis, and then who knows what direction I will take. I might as well enjoy the up curve while I’m on it.
I spend 70% of my day at the office studying. It’s amazing how much I’ve learned over there. My online system in ASP was just the beginning. Now I’ve started using .NET, and what not. And I’m getting paid for this! Of course, I could do this at home as well, but in the office, I have a goal – My online reporting system. A practical, usable purpose. At home, I have no such goal.
My firm has some roadshows planned on the 4th, 5th, and 6th of April, in Bombay, Delhi, and Chennai respectively. I just hope that they don’t drag me along with them for it. Three days of misery, if they do. I’m not very hopeful though.
I did my Tai-Chi today, but I’m finding that I run short of time, if I do my Tai-Chi and play my guitar at the same time. I think I’ll need to shift my guitar to the evening for a few minutes. No choice. Also, I need a little more time in the morning for Tai-Chi. Got to perfect the left hand side of the movements as well. Then, the movements with the eyes closed, and finally, something I’ve never done, the movements with a vessel balanced on the head. I’m crazy. Completely.
Sunday was pretty rotten. Was down with a headache, but gone now. I’ve decided to do some Tai Chi every morning before playing my guitar so that I can keep some modicum of flexibility. It’s done me a world of good in the past.
Also cleaned out my room. Swept the floor and all. And most of all, in spite of the headache, I finished ‘Insomnia’. Interesting book, but I think the theme could have focussed more on insomnia, and it’s horrors instead of diverting to greater plans and purposes. He could have built a horror novel just on mindless insomnia, like he did with one theme in ‘Misery’.
Downloaded the Canturbury tales by Chaucer, ‘The Monk’, and ‘Brothers Karamazov’ by Dostoevsky. I’ll start reading one of them. Also started the short stories of Tolstoy at home.
No eggs this morning, so I’m going down to the show where I usually have breakfast, and have a couple of omlettes. Tea too.
I’m reading Stephen King’s ‘Insomnia’ on my Palmtop. Whew! I never realized how important sleep was, and what a blessing it could be. Can’t take my eyes off the screen. Guess I’m not completely done with modern books yet.
The cook is now shelling the eggs, so I get more time saving. Tea also, I make at home now. Back home early today. Was feeling so tired in the office.
I’ve decided to have breakfast at home. This way I get more time to play my guitar, and my chess. I take considerable time to shell the eggs though. Maybe I can ask the cook to do that for me as well, so I don’t have to waste all that time.
After years, I’m finally using an email client for mail. Thanks to Thunderbird, I can now access my free Yahoo! mail accounts with webmail extensions. Fantastic piece of software. And the Adaptive junk mail filters are something else!
I’ve just put on four kilos. I hope it’s not the beginning of a trend. I’ll check my weight again on the 10th of April, and see. I’ve asked my mother to remind me via her diary. I’m now 57.5 kilos. I’ve never been this heavy. If this continues, I’ll have to join the rest of the world in dieting. Aaaah!
But I can’t say I’ve not had luck. I’ve eaten just about everything till now, and not had problems. Maybe it’s time for even me to have some problems. Let’ see. Meanwhile, I’m keeping up with my pledge to myself to play the guitar. The haiku need some dragging out though.
When I was in Jabalpur, I would never have believed that I was capable of working the way I’m working now. Yet, life’s not bad. I have some free time at the end of the day, and I’m learning new technologies at work. But it’s not my real life. I don’t really know when I’ll get tired of it, and take a break from it all. Let’s see.
I just have 20 bucks in my wallet, and I don’t have time to go to an ATM. Let’s see if I can manage my lunch in 20. I’ll have to skip breakfast.
Mass of flesh and bones
That once were meant so much more
Something from nothing
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