This is a post, which I admit reveals rather more about myself than I would like. Nonetheless, I have something to say. More so because not a single site or article on the Internet says what I feel is the truth. Not even close. The time has come for someone to stand up and stick out his neck with the facts.
First, my formal position on the whole rape issue. I do not condone rape. It’s a violation of a person’s privacy. This article is merely an examination of mostly subconscious responses in more or less every man or woman I have spoken to and is academic in nature. So no flaming please!
Here goes…
Rape elicits extreme reactions from the public. Repulsion, anger, hatred, and most interestingly, moral outrage. It is this last emotion that I am most interested in and all that I disclose below is in relation to moral outrage alone. This won’t apply to men who don’t feel a degree of moral outrage. Let me start by examining myself.
When I hear about the rape of a young woman, there are two conflicting forces inside me. One is to view the woman as a person. The others is to view her as an object. The moment I view her as a sexual object, rape doesn’t become something I abhor. When I view her as a person, I pity the raped woman as if she was bitten by a rabid dog. Not her fault, but hey, shit happens. Moreover, in this case, the rapist is behaving like an animal with no self control. So I would treat it as if some animal had assaulted the woman.
Image Credit: Grahford
I think the sexual desire, when combined with the desire for power is what makes rape such a fantasy. Mind you, if it actually comes down to it, I know I won’t rape because when the victim looks frightened, or angry, she ceases to be an object, and becomes a person. In such a situation, I’m pretty sure I can’t commit a rape.
Nonetheless, the time has come for plain speaking. After holding detailed discussions with several men in confidence, and analyzing my own reactions to news about rapes happening, I can see that the first emotion that flares up in men, including me, is moral outrage. Now this may sound noble, but just wait until I reveal the sinister cause for this.
The truth is, it’s jealousy masquerading as moral outrage! This is specially true of Indian Society, which is still heavily sexually repressed. Sex is still taboo, and most Indian men just don’t get good quality sexual fulfillment. Men feel jealous of rapists, because they got sex outright without having to go through the tedious channels of courtship that most of us have to go through. They “Cut the line”! “Bastards!” they say. Yeah right. Let’s own up to the truth. We envy the guy who got a 20 something woman into his car and had his way with her for 3 hours.
Of course we can’t come out and say this. We want to kill the guy then and there, but we can’t do it in the name of jealousy. We have to disguise our hate in another way. I’ve learned always to be suspicious of moral outrage. Chances are, the real issue is something else.
Consider that men (I speak only for men here), feel moral outrage when a young pretty woman is raped. At the same time, they feel something like disgust, amusement, or confusion when an old sixty year old is raped. Why? If the outrage is actually about issues like violation of rights, and privacy etc, why the less outrage regarding rapes against old and ugly women?
Image Credit: dungodung
Consider also, that if the real issue is pain and violation of rights, then why do we not feel the same way for other violations. Suppose a woman had her arm cut off. That also is a violation of a woman’s rights to herself, and most of us would roundly condemn the criminal. And rightly so. But, no moral outrage. In fact, all the women to whom I have put the question, say they would rather be raped, than have their arm cut off.
But why do men go up in arms (no pun intended) against rape, when for the limb cutting crime, they would not do so? Why are there no “Hang the mutilator” rallies? Most women I have met, would again rather be raped than have their faces disfigured with acid or something horrible like that. For other crimes which violate one’s privacy like robbery, there is condemnation, and hate, but the quality of the feeling that is felt towards rapists is very different. Again I say, the crime of rape provokes moral outrage.
And I say that this is a cover up for feelings of envy and jealousy. Envy, maybe even for the fact that the rapist had the guts to do in reality, what some of us dare not do even in fantasy. And if the social class of the rapist is much lower than that of the victim, the outrage is even more. This is because the jealousy is greater, that the rapist “got” what he would never have got, had he gone through the proper channels. A young woman being helplessly ravaged by a bunch of slavering dirty scoundrels, is one of the most difficult things to digest, precisely because of the class difference that exists. The outrage is even greater here.
Anyway, the point is, fantasy is fantasy, and reality is reality. Real rape would entail too much of an emotional strain on me. To see the victims fear, and hate, and to hear her screams, would bring home the fact that she is a human being with rights. Since I value my own rights, I would not be capable of taking hers away. In addition to this, raping a woman would make ME too much of an object. I would lose my self control, and see myself as too much of an animal than my pride would allow.
Now I just have to sit back and wait to get lynched.
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And if all the people you talked to, were jealous maybe they could all be defranchised males who cannot gain access to women by their looks, money or social standing. No self respecting man who can woo a woman would feel this way. I don’t know how you picked your sample but you talked to a lot of wrong people and then wrote an article based on that. Try talking to people who are comfortable with women and then write a balanced article.
And if all the people you talked to, were jealous maybe they could all be defranchised males who cannot gain access to women by their looks, money or social standing. No self respecting man who can woo a woman would feel this way. I don’t know how you picked your sample but you talked to a lot of wrong people and then wrote an article based on that. Try talking to people who are comfortable with women and then write a balanced article. This a a very serious issue. Please don’t trivialize this.
Jealousy may play a role in the moral outrage. But something you said was very jarring to me.
“Men feel jealous of rapists, because they got sex outright without having to go through the tedious channels of courtship that most of us have to go through.”
This made me think that jealousy is not the reason. Perhaps it is because a woman’s virginity is valued above many other things. If she is not a virgin, perhaps it is because a man’s “property” (his wife) has been disparaged, the idea that a man has “trespassed” on another man’s property. Perhaps certain emotions are elicited when one thinks of how this could happen to his own wife. If she was no man’s wife and she was not a virgin, most people would think of her as less of a victim, even though this line of thinking is deeply flawed. This is assuming that women are seen as objects. If the man has any decency at all, then the mere thought of his daughter, mother, sister, etc. being raped should elicit some form of anger or disgust, as abhi mentioned in an earlier post.
It seems like an unspoken belief that women should not enjoy sex (or at least show that they do), in public that is. Would not a woman be called a slut if she openly expressed that she loved sex? It is quite undignified even in my opinion as a woman. Perhaps the moral outrage comes from the “dirtying” of the innocent. If a woman’s virginity or a man’s exclusive possession of her sexuality is not so valued, then why else would men be willing to endure those “tedious channels of courtship” of which you speak?
It is also my understanding that healthy men want reciprocally loving relationships. Perhaps this belief is much too idealistic. I am not sure if the “tedious courtship” that you mention is referring to arranged marriage. Arranged marriages, in my opinion, are not representative of truly loving relationships in most cases, but it still should not drive a man to rape a woman. Rapists are seen as ugly, desperate scumbags. I do not think any man with a healthy mind would wish to be a rapist in real life. Fantasies are okay as long as they are not put into action.
In love, one would not think about building a relationship as a “tedious courtship.” If it is true love and not lust, then courting would be enjoyable, would it not? If it is not, then we know all you want is the sex.
In reply to J
That’s quite insightful, especially the part about a non virgin, non attached woman being viewed as “less than a victim” on a visceral level.
Seems more likely that men just don’t care that much about women accept where there is a sexual or familial interest. I think that’s why men don’t care as much about ugly women being raped, because they’ve already determined Subconsciously that ugly person’s are somewhat less important. All people, I believe are desensitized to the needs of people not found sexually stimulating through the chastising we observe as youth. I think sexuality is So fundamental to evolutionary processes that it is just more likely to produce instinctual reactions, which often conflict with Cognitive reasoning. men probably aren’t sensitive to other forms of violence against women because they are not at all related to their everyday experience. Sexual ideas are much closer however to our conscious and Subconscious thoughts being constantly in the background of our motivations , So I think they just illicit a Stronger/ faster emotional response.
In reply to Amy
That’s a very insightful comment. Thank you!
So, what Indian men want is not to rape, but to have a sexually fulfilling life? IF this is so, Committing a rape would not satisfy. Only a sadist would enjoy a weeping, struggling victim as a sex partner. Women have the ‘rape fantasy’ a lot, but that is because THEY are in control of the fantasy. It’s not real rape. The jealousy you speak of is not directed towards an actual rape it is of what you fantasize as rape. A beautiful girl just a little scared, and wearing an attractive, easily removed outfit. Your ‘rape’ takes place in a clean car or on a couch, never in an alley, a gutter or behind a dumpster. She struggles, but quickly complies, and soon is begging for more. I think you have confused rape with a ‘letter to Penthouse’.
I haven’t really gone through the comments given earlier.
But I am disappointed, where, you talk about Sex being taboo in India, how narrow ”sex” minded men are. Is that all you men want in life- Sex?
Because of this, today, the panchayat in UP is not allowing a woman to get out of the house, to wear what she likes, do what she likes. She is still being treated like an object, rape or no rape. The mindset and the perspective of a man has not changed whatsoever towards the opposite sex.
this is indeed sad.
I thought this was a good point of view. It seems like quite a few of these people don’t know how to take objective stance and talk about the psychology of rape, not the action or morals. Rape is not ALWAYS and only about power. Like said before it could be about sex and getting off, AND power. But neveragain sounds like he is not a psychology student. I don’t think a psychology student would assume someone is talking about the entire male or female population, because if you’ve ever met another person in your life, you know you’re not the same as they are.
in response to the comment about the teenagers that make rape jokes: yes, people do make rape jokes. Although the men and women that know the effects of rape may be upset and offended by these jokes. I’d say this is normal because the people upset have an experience with it and can understand how detrimental it may be to a person. But of course this doesn’t apply to all.
And how about women that can push past traumatizing events, and live a normal life as anyone else would. Are these people not true “victims”?
In end, I thought you had a great article and think you are 100% in defending yourself against any of these commenters who ranting about how bad it is.
I am really sorry that the real meaning of horror called rape has been missing here. Those women you have spoken to, who would rather save their arm, haven’t been through the horror. Ask a victim, who has suffered the trauma. Ask those babies who have died just because some jerk was inhuman. You feel jealous of them? Really? I would never imagine myself ever to be a jerk who rapes or be in his place.
I am really shocked to read this post and am wondering about the women in your family and how they feel after they have read this post.
Have you ever sat across a rape victim and asked her whether she would like her arm cut off or would want to get raped?
You are envious of the rapist? I really fail to understand the purpose of this post and I am left wondering whether there were really any other men you spoke to or this post is the output of all your repressed feelings towards women.
In reply to Lazy Pineapple
Wow – you really should have read the second paragraph of this post. How can you comment like this after reading that?
I wrote “I don’t condone rape” under any circumstances. Jump to conclusions a little too quickly? I suggest you read some other stuff I’ve written on my blog to better understand my “repressed feelings towards women”.
And by the way, everyone in my family including my wife has read this post. It’s a public blog and I don’t hide my name or identity.
BJP ,
Interesting post. A very honest attempt to analyse a man’s mind using your feelings. But you can’t generalise.
Looking into my mind, I beg to disagree. Even in the innermost corners of my mind I could not find any jealousy towards a rapist. Only feeling towards a rapist that I can find is repulsion. My idea of sex is not violent over powering but of
tenderness, caring and mutual pleasure.