Punishing a Man for an Accidental Pregnancy?

As I was reading IHM’s blog the other day about how a 15-year-old girl got pregnant outside marriage, I found myself engaging in a tangential debate on the rights of men regarding accidental pregnancies. Now I have written extensively in the past about my support for equal rights of women. I never considered myself a “feminist”. For me, “human rights” are all that is needed. IMHO there’s no need to further divide it into “women’s rights”, “gay-rights” etc.

It seems a part of established custom that a man provide child support for his own offspring until they are adults. This makes sense – no mother should have to ever raise a child on her own when the man was equally responsible. But then I thought, what if the man never wanted a child in the first place? It seemed unfair to me that the woman at any time can decide to abdicate responsibility as a parent either by having an abortion, or by giving the child up for adoption. The man however, has no say in the matter at all after the woman is pregnant – a detail which can ruin his life.

I began searching around, and came across this article in “The Time” magazine regarding a man’s right to choose. Here is the case that exemplifies the problem:

Matt Dubay, a 25-year-old computer programmer in Michigan, was ordered to pay child support after his former girlfriend had a baby. He says he had made it clear when they were dating that he did not want to have children; she had said she couldn’t get pregnant anyway because of a medical condition. When she did get pregnant, he argues, she could have chosen to have an abortion. So shouldn’t he have a choice as well, about whether to support a child he never wanted to have?

Edit: I should note that the girl in this case openly admitted that the guy never wanted children and that she told him that she couldn’t get pregnant. The law is such that it’s irrelevant. The father is expected to pay child support regardless of intentions and protective measures.

Now I’m aware that a large number of cases where the father is ordered to pay child support deals with irresponsible behavior on the part of the man. Casually having sex, impregnating a woman and leaving is deplorable and I’m not saying there should be no consequences for the man whatsoever.

But laws are made for all people and for all situations. You cannot have a law that is unfair to even a small segment of the population. This is why well-written laws are replete with exceptions, and special situations which narrow down the scope and target only those whom it is meant to address. Having a blanket rule saying that all men should always pay child support for every child they have regardless of the situation is not a good law. Because it ignores situations where the child was truly “accidental” in spite of all precautions to the contrary.

As an aside, this is also why I’m against the draconian “dowry laws” in India. Many have said that the abuse of such laws is restricted to only a small segment of the population and since it benefits the overwhelmingly large percentage of women, the law should not be changed. In my opinion this is extremely myopic, unfair, and hurtful. We have the principle of equality before the law and the ideal of justice for everyone. Not merely justice for the majority. We should not tolerate a law which ignores even a small segment of people and is blatantly unjust to them.

Coming back, there’s no doubting that it is the woman who has to bear the direct consequences of pregnancy. I am in no way suggesting that the man should have veto rights over her decision to keep the child or not. It’s unthinkable that the law should force women to either abort or keep the baby under any circumstances.

I am saying however, that the man should have at least some rights over his legal parenthood. I’m not advocating a complete abdication of responsibility here. I would be in favor of the man paying the woman some form of compensation for an abortion since she is the one undergoing the mental and physical trauma. What I am not in favor of however, is equating a woman’s discomfort with an abortion to a man having to pay child support for the next 18 to 21 years of his life. The latter is more severe than the former.

We can go one step further. It’s possible that a woman doesn’t like the idea of an abortion. That it’s too mentally and physically exhausting. In this case, I think both the man and the woman should be able to decide whether or not they wish to give the child up for adoption. According to the law today, only a woman can make the decision to give the baby up for adoption. But once the child is born, doesn’t the father have equal rights to the hilt? I feel that the man should also have the capability to do the same. If the mother wants to keep the child, then she should have to pay for that luxury. Again, I’m in favor of the man providing a form of one-time compensation to the woman for all the inconvenience and trauma the mother undergoes.

As it stands right now, a man can only have sex if he is prepared to pay child support for the next 18 years if the woman decides to keep the baby. A woman on the other hand, can have sex in the full knowledge that she has a way out and that she never has to ruin her life to deal with a baby she never planned for. In legal principle therefore, a man can never have sex merely for pleasure alone. A woman can.

For example, my wife and I have decided never to have children. If however she gets accidentally pregnant one day and refuses to abort, I have no say in the matter whatsoever! I’m forced to be a father despite my wishes and am forced to pay through the nose – again despite my wishes. This ruins my life, my plans, and everything that I hoped for. Whereas my wife doesn’t have to live with the same burden.

Is this fair? Do you feel that Matt Dubay was unfairly treated in the example above?

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43 thoughts on “Punishing a Man for an Accidental Pregnancy?”

  1. If we go only by moral and Indian society standards, this entire episode involves lot of crossovers. Having a girlfriend, having many partners, having sex outside marriage, abortion, raising a child being single and unmarried, being gay – all these will be looked down by the society and moral standards. But thankfully laws have evolved to support beyond this rigid thinking – but the rate is slower than our forming of new moral and agreeable standards – be it in case of children, abortion, marriage rights and religion-based family laws.

    This women has simply taken advantage of a loophole in the law. Since it says that she was medically unfit for conceiving a child – she could have secretly wanted/hoped for one but unable to do so. And the moment this happened out of accident(hopefully) she has decided to keep it. It might not be possible for her to get another child for whatever medical reasons.

    Reply

    • In reply to Sam

      I think you’re absolutely right about the woman wanting to keep the child since she obviously got lucky. But then she should take full responsibility for it because she’s having the child for herself and not as a part of a relationship.

      I am hopeful that new laws will come into being which more accurately reflect our status as equal citizens regardless of caste, race and gender…

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      • In reply to bhagwad

        How do you know she wants the child for herself?

        What if she can’t do the abortion.. but does not want to have a child.?

        Should the needs the child has forced upon itself by the act of two adults that have made choices that have lead to it’s birth.. be trumped by the need for a grown man to not have anything to do with his child when he has not taken responsibility for not getting the woman pregnant?

        Why do men take the risk to make a woman pregnant and then whine that she has the child? He can use a condom.. get a vasectomy.. not have sex.. or ask her is she would have an abortion if she gets pregant.. but men want to leave the responsibility for remaining childfree with the woman.. not take precautions.. and then claim they are forced to have a child when the woman can’t do an abortion..

        Why have sex without a condom if you don’t want a child.. Do you just assume that the woman will have an abortion and otherwise the child is her ‘problem’ ?

        And the money is not even the most important thing.. I don’t hear any man about the emotional pain of a child that has to hear ‘your father wants nothing to do with you.’

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  2. I came here through IHM. I already like the blog.

    I sort of feel that the woman should have a bigger say in adoption than the man. But I can’t honestly say why. Perhaps it’s because she carries the fetus for several months, perhaps the emotional attachment is different for the mother than the father in those initial months after birth. I don’t really know. I would like to hear from new mothers and fathers.

    So I am thinking of a slight reversal of roles here. Let’s say that the woman tells the man that she doesn’t want to have children ever and she wants to be careful about birth control because she also doesn’t want to have abortion if she gets pregnant (whatever her reasons for not having abortion maybe –religion prohibits it, belief that a fetus is a living human or lack of access to safe abortion; we can also assume the man as well is against abortion). The man, Matt-equivalent, assures her that she doesn’t have to worry about contraceptives because he is infertile or had vasectomy. So they forgo contraception and accidentally get pregnant and have a child because abortion is not an option here. Is the woman’s life, plans, and everything that she hoped for ruined because of the man? And the man doesn’t have the same burden, even if he were still paying child support?

    OK you can say that the woman still has the option of giving the child up for adoption. What if they were married in which case both parents have to consent for adoption? So the power of decision really is in the man’s hands now.

    Or what if adoption (like abortion) is not a choice for this woman (maybe also for the man; because of belief, societal stigma or whatever other reason) and she told the man so before? So she has to raise the child and is her life still “ruined” because of this man?

    I’m not trying to be a troll. I am genuinely trying to figure this out.

    Reply

    • In reply to Change

      I don’t think anyone should be forced to raise a child. But in the case you give, if the woman doesn’t want to abort or give up the child for adoption due to religious principles, then she’s still in charge because no one’s forcing her to do either. She chooses to let her religion control her life and then has to accept the consequences…

      Same with societal stigma. Once a person allows external factors to control their lives, nothing good can come of it.

      Reply

  3. The man knew before that abortion is not an option. Let’s imagine a hypothetical world whether abortion doesn’t exist, so it won’t be seen as the woman making a choice. Similarly in a hypothetical society without adoption facilities, it won’t be a choice anymore. I just gave religion and social stigma as possible causes, but not to mean that the woman could still choose. In such a case of no choice, does it mean that man ruined the woman’s life? Is she being punished by having to raise the child she didn’t want? Or are they both responsible for it? I think so. Similarly, in Matt’s case, he is responsible too. They didn’t want the child, it was an accident with terrible consequences (like child support). But it’s not a punishment. If I were in a car accident, losing a limb is a terrible consequence, not a punishment.

    I really can’t make up my mind on this. If you (not you per se; more general) don’t want children you should be the one taking contraceptives in the sex partnership. It would be great to have male contraceptives (not just vasectomy) that would let men have some control/responsibility in getting pregnant.

    I personally believe that a child should be brought into the world only when both parents want it. (In case of single moms with a sperm donor, the donor voluntarily donated the sperm knowing that he’s possibly going to have offspring(s).) But, on a larger scale, does it lead to the terrible consequence of men having sex without contraceptives and expecting women to undergo abortion every time they get pregnant, because men are not the ones that get their uteri scraped? Individually, in your (this time I’m actually referring to you) doesn’t your wife take your wishes and desires into account when she decides whether or not to have an abortion even if she has all the deciding power (as of now)?

    Aside: I need to tone down my use of parentheses.

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    • In reply to Change

      I agree – if abortion or adoption is a physical impossibility, then indeed both the man and the woman have to accept the consequences regardless.

      But given the current situation, there is almost never a time when neither abortion or adoption are out of the question – barring remote villages perhaps and undeveloped civilizations. As long as a woman is not physically restrained from carrying out an abortion, then not aborting is a deliberate choice.

      Having said that, if a guy knocks up a woman and then says he doesn’t want the child and expects the woman to abort, I feel he must at least pay some for of compensation to make up for her suffering and abortion costs, lost time at work etc…

      I think that would be a fair outcome no?

      Reply

      • In reply to bhagwad

        NOT aborting is not always a choice. A woman could not want to be pregnant.. but not be able to abort the child.. because she just breaks down when entering the clinic. and the doctor refuses to perform the abortion.. Still she could not want the child.. but feel forced to raise it..

        NOT aborting is not the same as wanting the child..

        It’s not a battle between the man and the woman.. The law is there to protect the child.. to be taken care of.. regardless of choices of the parents.. the child will have needs.. and has not asked to be born.. and should never be held responsible for choices of grown women and men..

        Reply

  4. IHM recommended this post to me, and I find it well written. You have noted the reproductive injustice that men face quite well. There’s one thing missing. There have been cases in the U.S., where women have hidden their children from the man for as long as ten years (as in the man has no idea he fathered a child), and then sued for retroactive child support. Given the number of feminists in the USA, hardly anyone is crying foul over this. Female genital mutilation is an evil, but Here we have a group of women sitting together laughing about a woman cutting off her husband’s penis because he asked for a divorce. Here is a woman who’s boldly talking about discrimination against for men in modern society.

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    • In reply to liberalcynic

      It’s true that there are some women who take things to an extreme. It sometimes happens when you’re fighting for equality…you become the very thing you’re fighting against.

      But of course, not all women who fight for women’s rights are like this. I know many who maintain a proper sense of balance.

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      • In reply to bhagwad

        So do I. In fact, most women are probably looking for equal rights. But the underrepresented fringe loonies of any group often have disproportionately large impacts. They did a study where a guy is beating a girl (very lightly) in a park, and many people intervened. No one intervened when they reversed their roles in another section of the park. Here the woman was really beating the man hard. Physical and sexual violence against men is fodder for humor in many places.

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  5. So I did get pregnant accidentally (or if there are no accidents, then subconciously on-purpose), I missed a couple of pills but thought they wouldn’t stop working that fast etc, etc. Anywho, the dad wanted me to get an abortion which I refused & then wanted me to give it up for adoption which I refused. I told him he didn’t have to do anything & he could just go away & I would never ask for any money- & I’ve never taken a dime from him, but he must always have the fear that I could someday. I actually do think that there should be some kind of law or provision that allows a man to completely give up his parental rights in the case of accidental pregnancy where birth control was being used, or they thought it was being used. It would be kind of like him giving up the kid for adoption to the mother…he would relinquish all ties now & in the future to the kid & in return she couldn’t sue him for child support. I have a brother-in-law who has to pay child support to his ex for a kid that she got pregnant with accidentally… he almost never gets to see the kid because they live in different states & it’s too expensive to travel there often & the child support payment is so high that it makes things a lot harder for him & his wife (my sister) & their two kids that they’re rainsing together, where’s the fairness in that? And the other side of the coin is, I think having a law/provision like the above mentioned one would protect the mother as well, because in my case I do have the worry that someday the father of my child will change his mind & decide he wants some kind of parental rights despite making it very clear that he didn’t want the kid, having no contact with the kid & never paying for a thing for the kid or mother. I hope to not even have to tell my kid who he is until she’s an adult, maybe not even then…isn’t that my right as the one who has solely supported her & paid for everything for her since she was born (& all throughout my pregnancy too) ?

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  6. Just my two cents-
    IMHO- reproduction and pregnancy are fundamentally biological issues – in that while two people engage in the act, only one of them is stuck with the consequences.Add to this the emotions and change-of-heart that we as humans can potentially experience, and what ultimately emerges is the realisation that no man made law can fully claim to be perfect in this rather thorny arena.

    That being said, I’d like to make a few points-
    1. I don’t think I would agree with your statement that only women can have sex for pleasure- While the ‘damage’ caused by an unwanted peganancy to a man is nearly entirely ‘financial’, for a woman , its SO much more trickier! An abortion is a surgical procedure with its own attendant risk of complications and a death rate of 0.1% (notwithstanding psychological issues). Carrying a child to term also carries a death rate of 0.7% (Please ote, these figures are from the USA and are much higher in India).’Adoption’ is a theoretical solution- in practice giving a child up for adoption doesn’t always guarantee that the child ends up with a family, it could merely mean years of living in foster care/homes/orphanages.
    An unwanted pregnancy affects the woman financially,mentally and physically NO MATTER which one of her ‘options’ she exercises.

    2. That a man needs to pay child support to a child he never wanted seems unfair, but only because a better system hasn’t evolved. A one off payment seems like a solution, however, it would have to be substantial to be meaningful – and I’m not sure how many men would be able to cough up a sum like that at short notice. The other solution would be to ‘replace’ the paternal support with state support- but how many taxpayers will want that?

    As for me, I would most certainly have to get an abortion if I were to get pregnant at this stage in my life. Whether I would have the guts to go through with it would be a different matter entirely (I have watched a video of one, trust me it ain’t pretty). Meanwhile I live in the hope that science will come up with a form of male contraception that works like the ‘pill’ and that safer methods to ‘medically’ abort are invented.

    The bottom line is that we can raise all the legal questions we want, but the issue is so fundamentally biological that the solutions will remain unsatisfactory unless we take the help of science.

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  7. It’s ridiculous that a man should be able to not pay child support.

    The rights of the child are protected by law. The child has not asked to be born.. but will have needs forced upon it by the act of procreation..Since there are a man and a woman needed for it’s birth.. both should be responsible.. A child should not be held responsible for the choices of an adult man (and woman) that could have made other choices.. Why are men crying that they are having children forced upon them when women don’t get pregnant by themselves and the man has the choice to not make her pregant, by using a condom, having a vasectomy, or not having sex? But apparently these men want to hold the woman responsible for not getting pregant, have sex without a condom and then want to have the choice to leave their offspring to fend for themselves. I hope this will never happen.

    The choice to have an abortion is not the same choice as using contraceptives.. Not wanting to get pregnant is not the same as terminating a pregancy with a developing being that is already there.. Not being able to do an abortion is not the same as wanting to have a child.. A doctor will not do the abortion if the woman is crying because it is too hard for her.. Should she pretend she does not have these doubts to go through with it anyway? Or otherwise be blamed for bringing an unwanted child into the world? By not doing an abortion, wantedness of a child is implied.. I do not agree with that.

    Men do have a choice.. they can choose to walk away.. and let a woman raise the child on her own.. The least they can do is provide financial support..as the mother will not be able to work as much as she puts in double the time AND will have to pay for all the costs.. For it to be fair.. the man should pay half the costs… and what it costs her to work less or not at all, because she takes over his 50% share of the care.. Men get the easy way out by providing financial support only if you ask me.

    A childs need should never be trumped by the needs of a grown man that could have made choices that could have a different outcome..

    Reply

    • In reply to Katherine

      I disagree. I think the choice to have or not have an abortion is the only one that matters. In the end, it’s up to the woman to decide whether or not she wants to let the thing growing inside her to come out. I would agree that the man has to pay the costs of the abortion. Also perhaps a bit extra for the mental trauma that the woman suffers.

      The the use of contraceptives is not only the responsibility of the man. The woman is equally responsible for insisting upon their use. And she can always get an abortion. Is that incorrect?

      Reply

  8. All these thoughts on for a baby are overated. a baby is whether u want or not is a big bundle of joy
    Please be independent on your choice and make plans . if sex out of marriage or watever once your pregnant its your baby want it or not . so this is for both men and women . we all are very protective abt our gadgets and our belongings and y not this y hide it as a secret and destroy it carry guilt and hatered on each other . y all the blame game for ?? i also wish if govt gets this rule to provide single mother support . but nothing can match up to emotional support of the father . if ur disrespecting urself u disrespect wat comes from within you . let the humanity in you live . having a baby is nt going to ruin ur life or carrer its how u handle it thats cos its the right thing to do . but killing your baby will definelty do that to your inner peace till ur last breath. in your consious even if you ignor the thoughts .

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