Do you know why Indian men have a problem behaving decently with women? Whether it was the Guwahati incident showing a mob’s utter insensitivity to the pain and suffering of a young girl, or men who are supposed to be the “cream of India” behaving badly with Chinese and north Indian girlswhen they’re representing their own country.
Most men in civilized countries learn to treat women with the same respect that they give other men. In those places, women are viewed as human beings and not as objects. So what is so unique about Indian men that removes their ability to behave decently?
In my opinion, it starts right from childhood when boys and girls are made to sit separately in class. This has the following effect.
1. Children are taught that gender matters. They’re not segregated on the basis of hair color, height, even economic status. Rather, they’re separated based on gender. So it must be an important difference right? When you meet another person, that becomes the first thing you notice – boy or girl. Boys think that girls are “not like them” and girls think the same thing. How could they not? And when you view another group as “not like you”, you don’t extend to them the same civility and courtesy that you extend to others of the same group. They become “the other”.
2.Children never develop the social skills for dealing with the opposite sex. As “the other”, they treat boys and girls differently. This has no great impact when they’re still children. As kids, there’s no overpowering urge for them to mix with each other. They can remain happily separated.
When puberty starts, the shit hits the fan. Boys are suddenly and more powerfully drawn to the opposite sex – testosterone plays its role. And they’re confused. They haven’t developed the skills to handle that attraction. They don’t know how to channel it. How to shape it. And often, it manifests itself crudely in a raw form without subtlety or refinement.
Moreover, there is anger. When you’re drawn to something, that “something” has power over you. And when you don’t have the skills to handle that attraction, you become angry.
Estrogen is a somewhat more passive hormone. The sexual attraction is no less powerful, but doesn’t carry the same shade of aggression that it does with boys. And unless men know how to behave themselves around women, that aggression is unfiltered, vulgar and demeaning. But they were never taught the skills in the first place!
By the way, I’m not excusing anyone here. Don’t get the impression that I’m being lenient or “making excuses”. We need swift and effective punishment for those who indulge in violence. That’s the other side of the coin. No compromise on that. No excuses. This whole analysis is just to understand the causes.
Bottom line – boys and girls need to interact more from a young age. They have to play together, throw water balloons and mud at each other, fight, and exchange homework. But none of this is being allowed in Indian schools today due to implicit or explicit gender segregation. And in many cases, this continues on into college! Change has to start there.
Well said.Another reason for the aggression is that boys in India had ( note the past tense ) been reared to believe that they must ” control ” women; women must not get the ” upper hand “. They have been conditioned to believe that to be ” a man ” they must dominate and look down upon women. This has a lot to do with the joint family system when the daughter in law would live with her in laws. Now imagine the situation if the daughter in law had the freedom to do whatever she wanted; it would never work living with her mother in law under one roof. So the mother would impress upon her son the necessity of keeping his wife under his thumb, so that the mother in law could continue to dominate the household. All this is very subtly manipulated by the mother in law; often her son can detect no ulterior motive but the damage is done and women suffer under these oppressive conditions
In reply to tp
That of course is the mindset issue which will take a long time to change…
The more we “progress”, the more we “regress” :-|
Honestly I see too much of that in schools today…. it’s really sad.
Very well analyzed Bhgawad. I agree that kids need much more interaction with the opposite sex. Topics such as attraction towards the opposite sex, changes in their own body are taboo in most households and these leads to boys forming distorted images and even acting inappropriately when curiosity in the form of questions is not assuaged ..
In reply to Ruchira
You means sex education? I don’t know. I already knew everything by the time I was 14 (9th standard). But that might have been because my parents explained stuff to me…
What I find even more disturbing is that this kind of segregation is now spreading to colleges! And most parents support the colleges when they make rules like this, they see this as ‘protecting’ their daughters. My only question to those parents is: Do you not know that the internet exists?!
In reply to Shilpa J
I wonder how these parents would feel about girls and boys mixing right from kindergarten. Will they support it or will they object?
In reply to bhagwad
They would object. And I’m speaking from personal experience here. If my own parents who are more educated and intelligent people than most others (my Dad passed out from IIM-B for God’s sakes!), think segregating boys and girls is a good idea, I hold out no hope for other parents!
I think we need to start from an even earlier point. Educating parents that children are INDIVIDUALS. If they acknowledge that, then they are going to try and act in the best interests of the child rather than that of the society, be it “protecting” their daughters or forcing their kids into socially acceptable boxes.
I am tired of parents actually supporting segregation. Reasons ranging from “they will get distracted in studies” to “we have to protect our daughters”….and those kids are the ones to elope because they have been under enormous stress their entire lives.
In reply to Meghana
I think parents are past the stage of “re educating”. They’d probably take offense at anyone telling them that their mindset is immature and illogical.
In reply to Meghana
I completely agree with you Meghana. Those kids who are constantly watched and kept under surveillance (I can’t think of a better word for what these parents do to their kids :( ) are the ones who elope or get into troubled relationships because they lack the skills needed to have normal ones. They have never interacted normally with the opposite sex, they are continuously told in various ways that boys/girls should not talk etc. It’s no wonder we have men and women incapable of looking at a human being and seeing just a human being.
Even when girls and boys go to school together, the gender differences are emphasised at school and then reinforced in society. For example, some schools have a girl sitting with a boy as partner…not sure what the intention is…maybe to ensure they mix. But it also seems to emphasise the difference (they are different so they should sit together). Why not just go alphabetically since they are all children? And most schools have different PE class for girls and boys. I get that physical ability is different but is it really that different? Just today I read that the Chinese woman swimmer who broke the 400M medley swan her 50m freestyle faster than than the man who won the 400 in the men’s event at the Olympics. Maybe at the professional level an argument can be made for separate events based on gender (and then you have cases where gender is in question coming up) but at school I’m sure they can just have mixed teams based on ability.
My thinking on this is influenced by Peggy Orenstein’s book Cindrella Ate My Daughter which I’ve blogged about. (http://thebluebride.wordpress.com/2011/09/30/girls-to-the-left-boys-to-the-right/). She quotes the research of neuroscientist Lise Elliott whose programme at Stanford that seems to echo your point about encouraging more interaction between the sexes at a young age.
As a new mom of a girl and a boy, I face comments about gender difference every day. My latest battle is piercing my baby girl’s ears which I refuse to do. I also refuse to colour code my children or specifically dress my girl in little frocks – though this has ended up happening because I am using mostly hand-me-downs. I have not been so brave as to dress my son in dresses but if he wants to try on my stuff – which he does – he is free to.
In reply to The Bride
Alphabetical order is a great idea! Though there should be other considerations like height.
And yeah – I don’t think there’s any physical difference at that age – at least not well into puberty when the differential change kicks in. Till then, they’re all pretty much the same. Having teams based purely on ability is best. The reason for segregation is not pure physical ability but morals. That’s pretty clear.
You’re talking about school. Do you know Bhagwad, that there are engineering colleges in Chennai that do not allow social interaction of girls and boys while on campus? Yes, you read it right. Engineering. My cousin goes to one such. And I am talking 2012. If a boy is caught talking to a girl on campus, both of them have to pay a fine. How can I even expect things to improve? Girls only schools/colleges and boys only schools/colleges only end up making the situation worse, because once thrown into a co-ed environment they lose it. And who’s to blame for that?
Brilliantly written, Bhagwad. You hit the nail on the head. I remember a special lecture at college a few years ago, delivered by an American. As soon as he stepped onto the podium, the first question he asked, addressing the Director and VC, was why the guys and girls were seated on different sides of the auditorium. And the college authorities didn’t quite know how to respond- I remember them just blinking up at him. We immediately jumped up and told him about how ridiculous this seperate seating business was. Even our classrooms at college has this segregation business.
It has to be stopped immediately – I’m thinking it would be a tiny baby step towards lessening the number of Guwahati incidents.
i liked the biological explanation for the physiological development. yes the mix has to start from the early age. i used to ask my teachers why weren’t we allowed sit as we were sitting mixed like before at 9th standard. teacher escaped by saying its principals order. that is when the group-ism started. the girls talk, boys talk started. my mother wanted me to go out only with the girls group, where as my father was comfortable only when i went out with them, at least one int he group has to be a boy.
there were various reasons given by parents, some are like they would fall in love, explore unwanted stuff etc etc.. there is another famous dialogue of my mom,” panjum nerupum pakatala vaikalama”( can you keep both cotton and fire next to each other??). but i felt that was so stupid..
in fact when i joined college i saw a drastic difference in behavior of people who came from girls school and the onces from co-ed. the girls-school girls always thought talking to boy means falling in love with them. they were easily carried away by men showing little care..
if the mixing up can bring a lots of change in thinking, why are we not following it. as a parent what i can do is start putting my kid in co-ed school, allow her to have friends in both the sex. i can explain my son about the bio-logical change in his body, refrain his thinking..
In reply to ashreya
Cotton and fire huh? I guess I understand what they were worried about if you have the mindset of “no relationships are acceptable before marriage”.
So much has to change…
Mindset of ‘no relationships before marriage’ at least has a modicum of what passes for their logic. But what about the relationship after marriage? You keep boys and girls separate their entire lives, from school through college, and yet expect your daughter to have a healthy, normal relationship with her husband all of a sudden? That’s like throwing your kid in the ocean without teaching them swimming! Sink or swim your wish.
In reply to Shilpa J
Well, if we want to call a more or less masochistic relationship on the part of the woman and a kind of sadistic temperament on the part of the husband a “relationship”!