I’m Born, I Fidget, I Die

I’m coming to the conclusion that permanent happiness is an impossibility. Even if I were god, I don’t think I could be completely at peace. Boredom would set in with nothing to strive for. All I’ve managed so far is to get fleeting moments of bliss. Sometimes lasting for several minutes until I get restless and tired of it. Even constant peace is irritating. Enjoying the scenery and going for a walk can only do so much. I don’t know how unique or typical I am. I just know that for me, the only end in sight is death. Till then, it’s pretty much a relentless background buzz of discontent. And this is from a person who has to work less than most on the planet and who is probably one of the luckiest individuals in existence!

Does this say something about me specifically or about humanity in general? Sometimes I wish to live forever. At other times, it’s just tiring. Nothing before or after life. Non existence stretching out to infinity at both ends. I think of it like this:

Nothingness at both ends with a bit of restlessness in between

All I can realistically wish for is to somehow muddle through until I reach the other side of nothingness. Hopefully not painfully (especially towards the end) and without making too big a hassle of it. Most of the time maybe I can sort of forget about this state of affairs. It’s not that I have any specific wish or desire that’s not being fulfilled. It’s the nature of existence.

If it’s not just me, then it’s a curse of humankind. Only humans ask questions like “What should I do?” All other animals seem to have no doubts about their activities. If they’re full and have no other drives, they kind of sit down and relax. Or play for brief periods. I feel playful too now and then, but unlike animals I’m cursed with knowledge of the future. And the present can sometimes be so boring that I take refuge in books, video games, and the Internet in general. Anything to distract me from the mundane, the banal, the restless.

I’ve worked in high stress environments before. Retail, and the exhibition industry. And they’re awesome distractions giving you no time to ponder over life in general. And at night you’re too tired to do anything but sleep. But underneath all that just waiting to bubble up are fear of death, boredom, questions about our “purpose” etc. And while we make our own purpose in life, it is by definition relative. Nothing is absolute. It’s tiring to be the god of your own life. No wonder it’s so easy to outsource that role to a third party!

It doesn’t mean I’m always bored or depressed. But whenever I’m not, it means I’ve found a good distraction. At least for a while.

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13 thoughts on “I’m Born, I Fidget, I Die”

  1. i think if one has responsibilities, they provide sufficient distraction to help the seconds tick by.. like for me i even feel that reading the paper and cutting out important things that might come in handy is a responsibility – in addition of course there is the responsibility of running the house, managing the property, servants, dogs, clinic, shopping, bank work etc and before i know, it is midnight and time to hit the sack to wake up at 8am and head for a steaming cup of black coffee…maybe if i didnt have the clinic with people to interact with in a useful healthy manner, i too would feel at a loose end most of the time; so you’re not alone in feeling this way. It’s just that most people dont have the time to get bored…

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  2. Even if I were god, I don’t think I could be completely at peace.

    Peace is a concept created by God. We are created by God. God is above his creation. God has specifically defined for us his attributes in His 99 names and other verses.

    God is eternal, has no beginning or end, is above his creation, including such concepts as time, space, matter, the laws of physics etc. Therefore, God is above being “bored” as you call it.

    If you lived in poor countries, people don’t ask “what should I do.” They are too busy getting food and going to the wells to get water. Trust me, its a wealthy people problem.

    Also, religious people don’t ask “what should I do.” When they are free, they pray.

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  3. To your question: “Does this say something about me specifically or about humanity in general?”, I say that this problem is unique to you.
    I for one believe that life on Earth as a human being (especially with our demographics) is like winning a lottery. So much that you can do.. so much that this world has to offer. Places to see, people to meet.. adventures to go on!

    Why does there have to be any greater “purpose” to life that to enjoy it?
    I think your problem is merely that there isn’t much that excites you in this world.

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    • In reply to Anupa

      Probably why I seek refuge in fantasy novels and MMO games :) . The real world is pretty boring – no magic, no dragons, all the major scientific wonders are solved, and all that remains is the appreciation of beauty. But it seems I’m also a cursed philistine…I like music though. But even that pales pretty quickly.

      I’m stuck!

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  4. Although I have asked plenty of questions and wished there is more to life than just existing and ceasing to exist… I find there is so much I want to do, and there is very little time, no time or even the remotest thought of feeling stuck at all.

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  5. This was an interesting post, I never thought about existential crisis in this way! That stuff we do is sort of a distraction to keep ourselves away from the nothingness..
    For me, existential crisis has been more like ‘Oh I don’t know what I’m doing with my life/ it’s not going anywhere/ I need to find/achieve my purpose etc.’

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