Stop Forcing Live in Couples to be Married!

When Anupa and I started living together, we had no intention of getting married. It was a deliberate choice. We didn’t want the legal hassles that came from being husband and wife. No intention of having children either, so what was the point? Ultimately we chose to get married because it was easier for her to obtain leave from her boss saying “I have to take my husband to the dentist” rather than “I have to take my boyfriend“! Later of course, it also made it easy to accompany her to the US on her work. But the basic point is that we had made a choice to avoid marriage. An informed, logical choice where both of us were adults.

Perfect isn’t it? Not!

It seems that the government and courts are now hell bent on treating live in relationships as marriages. Recently the Madras HC passed some pretty absurd comments on how pre marital sex was tantamount to marriage. And I don’t believe for one moment that it was only directed at the specific case involved. Phrases such as “…any couple of whose to consummate their sexual cravings then that act becomes a total commitment…” give the lie to such arguments. But I agree that these pronouncements don’t have the force of law and only reveal that specific judge’s archaic mindset.

Nevertheless, the government is still determined to treat long time live in couples as married. While the law seems clear that short term relationships or even purely sexual relations are safe, if a man and woman live together for years “as husband and wife”, then they are viewed as married. The phrase “as husband and wife” is troubling. When Anupa and I were living together, we were certainly living “as husband and wife” in every conceivable way. And that state lasted for around a year. So if it came to a legal question we were already married without our permissions!

Why is the government so eager to force marriage onto unwilling partners? The answer is easy. It’s overwhelmingly for the benefit of women. Apparently the courts and the state are firmly of the opinion that every woman in such a relationship is being taken advantage of and needs protecting. Now I’m sure that there are many men and women who are not formally married and live together as husband and wife. If they have children, or have openly claimed to be married to friends, neighbors and government officials for years, then a good case can be made for treating them as a legally married couple. Such verification is not difficult and is easily ascertained by questioning those around them.

As far as children are involved, I don’t see how the marital status even matters. The concept of “legitimate” and “illegitimate” children is bunkum as I believe the Supreme Court has already made clear. The child has to receive support regardless of whether or not they were born out of wedlock. This makes sense. Why should a child have to suffer even he or she was conceived in a one night stand?

What’s unbelievable is the government making assumptions that every live in relationship is a married one. As if it’s inconceivable that a woman would ever want to live with a man and not want to get married. It seems the Indian state only views women through the prism of marriage. It can’t abide by a strong independent woman comfortable with her own sexuality and who doesn’t need a man to give meaning and context to her life. So it just automatically associates them with the men they’re with – whether they want to or not.

This is part of a general trend of infantalizing women and treating all of them as victims. One argument goes that until women achieve “equality” such measures are necessary to protect their well being. I can understand the sentiment behind such thinking, but cannot agree with the implementation. Instead of making women equal, such laws give legal force to a woman’s dependency. People become what we expect them to become. And it’s clear what the law expects women to be – helpless damsels in distress who need to attach themselves to a man and who don’t possess the judgment to take control of their own sexual lives. As long as the state continues to cement this perception by creating laws granting official “victim” status to women, girls will grow up thinking that that is their role. That that is their destiny. That those are the expectations. They will learn that they can’t take their own decisions about who they live and sleep with.

Far from fostering an atmosphere where women feel empowered to defy societal expectations and take their lives in their own hands, such laws only preserve the status quo. And perhaps even revert some of the good work we’ve done over the years. What we need, is targeted laws and social programs to specifically identify women in need and help them. Not a blanket diktat that all women require special protection from the evil men in the world out to exploit them.