“He Lost Control” – Why that’s a Bullshit Excuse

Underlying most of the victim blaming that goes on when a woman is assaulted, is a scary and rather offensive assumption. That men “can’t control themselves”. Apparently not a tiny number of people think that we are these slavering, foaming at the mouth, dangerous animals who need to be kept unstimulated and that a woman’s body language, her clothes, shape of her pinkie finger or whatever is like waving a red flag to a bull. “They can’t help it!”. The mother of one of the rapists in the Mumbai photojournalist gang rape case said “What was her son supposed to do? He lost control!”

Oh really? I mean seriously?

Would these guys still have assaulted the girl had they thought that:

  1. She carried a gun, or
  2. Had a deadly Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD), or
  3. Had a couple of professional bodyguards around the corner?

“Lost control” literally means “Unable to do anything else”. So little details like the above wouldn’t have stopped the guys from raping her right? Oh they would have?

But…but…they lost control. How could they have acted differently?

Oh I see! These guys “lost control” only when it was safe to do so. Right, right. I get it now. “Lost control”. *Wink wink*!

I can guarantee you that if a beautiful naked woman were to walk down the most crime infested area in Delhi at 3:00 AM with adequate protection, no one would lose control. Even the most dangerous insane maniac will keep his dick in his pants. Because they know better. They weigh the odds. They calculate.

And this is the very opposite of “losing control”. Truth be told, no one loses control. The same applies to losers who beat their wives and later justify it by saying “I lost control”. These jerkoffs are used to beating on people without getting the worst end of the deal, and so they “lose control”.

Of course, not all men even require the threat of violence to keep it down. I can confidently state that I can easily and with only a bare minimum of effort keep my hands off a woman if she just says “No” regardless of the situation, her dress, her attitude, her way of standing, the time of the night and so on and so forth.

Because I’m not an animal. Actually, why should I insult all animals here? Dogs for example are fully capable of controlling themselves if consequences are made clear. Ever seen a dog just standing in front of a tasty treat waiting for permission to gobble it? Even they have sufficient control.

So the next time you hear someone say or imply that “He lost control”, you know that it’s one of the biggest bullshit lies ever manufactured to deflect blame. In truth, they’re only condemning themselves.

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24 thoughts on ““He Lost Control” – Why that’s a Bullshit Excuse”

  1. True! Accepting such a lame excuse would mean, they would act the same and get away with the crime by blaming the victim. One feels more powerful when one regards others’ life, opinion and desires lesser. Similar to speciesism- that humans feel superior to other creatures. :(

    Reply

      • In reply to bhagwad

        Yup.I mean the same. They->those who ignore this issue or accept the criminal’s ‘lost control’ excuse.
        I was thinking how speciesism was similar to this gender superiority that is seen in certain cultures.You put it in a better way, yes it absolves them of the responsibility.

        Reply

  2. This ought to be made mandatory reading for all victim-blamers. Rapists rape because they they want to, and because they can, and because they think/know there are no consequences.

    Apart from the immediate deterrences you’ve mentioned (protection etc), what if a chap knew he would be locked up for life definitely if he assaulted a woman? Chances are he finds that he has a LOT of control over himself!

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    • In reply to Aparna

      That’s the true point I’m trying to get at. The reason for so many crimes is because our justice system is creaky, police doesn’t register FIRs, the conviction rate is low and slow as well. The lack of “immediacy” of the punishment and the uncertainty of it allows rapists to think that they’re not going to face any consequences.

      Police reforms and an overhaul of the justice system are the real long term solutions. No mere increase in police presence is going to change that.

      Reply

  3. I’m appalled every time this excuse is made. Appalled at the shallowness and shamelessness of the excuse. But appalled even more at how it doesn’t get the blood of all the sensible and sensitive and right-thinking men out there boiling.

    This excuse riles me up like no other, because I have known my father and brother and male relatives and male friends and male colleagues to be perfectly capable of ‘control’ regardless of the situation/circumstances. It makes my blood boil when this pathetically flimsy and hollow excuse is used in such a sweeping way for all men in general. It insults the men I know, and I can never take that lying down. So how can men?

    Why are men not screaming from the rooftops that they know they have a brain and they know how to use it. This excuse is insulting to men as much as (if not more than) it is to women.

    Hats off to Bhagwad for highlighting this, though I was missing more of the outrage.

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  4. THANK YOU!!! Men are not these uncontrollable oafs!!
    It is refreshing to hear a male perspective who has some damn sense!
    I also read the article on the Mumbai rapists mother who said it about losing control, and I was like WTF?!?! Seriously, people would rather give a crap excuse like that than to ADMIT that he was wrong AND be afforded the consequences.
    Seriously, the excuses people give are truly mind-boggling….

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    • In reply to A. Madhavan

      This!! I can somehow comprehend the rapist saying he was “out of control” to get some sympathy, but what makes regular men who do not usually rape to brand themselves as “out of control” animals? Is it so horrible to accept that some men are bad and they should be held responsible for their actions?

      Combine this attitude with High Court judges that routinely advice the victim to marry the rapist, we have a two front attack on the victims – from the society, and from the law that does not take them seriously either.

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      • In reply to Clueless

        I think victim blaming also gives people a sense of safety. Think of what it means to not blame the victim. It means bad things happen even to good people. That shit occurs randomly. But if you can somehow deflect fault onto the victim, you can point and say “Well, it was your fault!”

        It also might have something to do with the attitude of “karma” where people feel that you deserve whatever happens to you. It’s a way of making sense of an essentially random universe.

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  5. The mother of one of the rapists in the Mumbai photojournalist gang rape case said “What was her son supposed to do? He lost control!”- I also blame women (some) who give feed to the thought that “unable to control” is the test of real masculinity. I mean come on!!

    But a lot of women actually believe that if their husbands don’t show some degree of violence, they aren’t men enough. My mum used to have a domestic help who was shocked that my dad didn’t hit my mum. She gave my mum a pitiful look and proudly described how her husband occasionally came home drunk and beat her.

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    • In reply to mostlymisfit

      Where have I heard this before? Some book with an Italian setting I remember where every woman would strive to get at least a few beatings by her husband – with marks no less! Jeez – whatever rocks one’s boat I guess. Something to do with beatings showing that the man cared.

      The problem comes when they apply those standards to other women who don’t share the same desire to be whipped.

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  6. This is one of the things to be included in the ‘curriculum to reform rape-apologists’. I have never understood how a person can ‘lose control’ selectively. And you’ve put it very precisely and concisely.

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  7. Thank you for stating what needs to be stated. Excuses are a rather common way for an offender to justify or at the very least, rationalise their behaviour. Criminology 101. That is what the mother in this case did, burdened with the guilt of having a rapist for a son – a son she might have never imagined capable of such savagery.
     
    Now, there ARE a few points I’d have to disagree with. One is the presumption that ALL men are always in full control of their judgement when it comes to inflicting violence. A higher certainty of penalty *might* help reduce the prevalence of opportunistic crimes such as the Delhi and Mumbai gangrapes OR the murders/muggings of certain ethnic groups in Delhi. However, as I have experienced AND observed in the world outside the realm of blogging philosophies – a lot of people (men AND women) have poor impulse control. It can be something as minor as gorging on that extra pastry while moaning about how bad their ‘genetics’ are (~fat) OR something as aggravating as a 5′ 4″ Jat bloke trying to physically accost a guy a lot bigger and heavier than him (during a heated debate).
     
    Such a poor impulse control, which is more prevalent in a certain socio-economic segments, *will* and *does* provoke a higher tendency for opportunistic short order crimes.
     
    Also, contrary to some of the opinions posted above, a short tempered and impulsive behaviour is one that has never been upheld as contemporary masculine behaviour. One of the defining characteristics of a masculine man is one who is in full control of his emotions – he chooses how, when and in what way his emotions manifest. He does not let his emotions control him, like some PMSing lass. The fact that the mother of the criminal chose to defend him is very telling – one that is hard for the discerning mind to miss. The rapist didn’t have a strong masculine role model. If you follow the stats related to criminal behaviour, you start to spot a pattern – a lot of violent criminals tend to have domineering mothers OR weak/non-existent fathers APART from the obvious other causative factors like poverty, motive, etc.
     
    On that note, a sensible and right thinking person does not respond to pleas that bad behaviour from certain men and their justifications should ‘get his blood boiling’ OR get him outraged enough to defend himself.

    Reply

    • In reply to Akhim Lyngdoh

      Yes, I agree that there are several crimes committed on impulse. The law itself has a lower punishment for murders etc committed “in the heat of the moment”. An argument between husband and wife gone askew for example. It’s not an excuse, but I think it does make sense to have slightly differing sentences.

      But rape…I find it a bit hard to imagine that it can be done on impulse. So many actions need to be taken to successfully rape another person that it would be pretty tough to make a “heat of the moment” argument. Neither the gang rape of the photo journalist, nor the Nirbhaya rape case, nor any of the other cases I’ve read about convince me that they fall into the “impulse” category.

      In fact, the law allows the taking of life in specific circumstances when your own life is threatened. Not all self defense can justify murder of course, but the SC has pretty much made it clear that accidents happen and in certain situations, killing another person can have a justification. But I’m yet to think of any exonerating circumstances that would justify a person raping another. It’s just too specific a crime.

      Murder is relatively easy. There are dozens of actions that can result in someone’s death. Rape…not so much.

      Reply

      • In reply to bhagwad

        “So many actions need to be taken to successfully rape another person that it would be pretty tough to make a “heat of the moment” argument.”
        From a general perspective, I agree. If we go by the conventional definition of rape – it does involve a lot of deliberation for a person to overcome a victim’s resistance to force himself/herself upon her. I think this is one of the reason why rape prosecution in India does not require the prosecution to prove the *intention* to rape. The intention is implicit in the act, unlike murder trials.
         
        However, we cannot really put ourselves in the shoes of a rapist – for the simple reason that we don’t have that perspective. Take a scenario with my chauffeur for instance, who asked after browsing through my old collection of FHMs, if women are aroused by visuals of men the same way he found them arousing. After explaining to him the gender differences in sexuality in a way that he would understand, I realised that in another time and place, he might have been one of those man who flashed a woman expecting to ‘arouse’ her. Without their perspective, you never know what goes on in their minds and how they might be motivated to do what they do.

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  8. This is an interesting argument, and helpful to me. I have been a victim of sexual violence at various points in the past. I remember saying to my recent ex-boyfriend, at the beginning of the relationship, that I thought there were degrees of rape–intentional (planned), opportunistic, and that sometimes (for a variety of reasons) men just lost control (like the manslaughter of rape). He shouted, “Bullsh*t! Men never just lose control! That’s letting them off the hook.” Interestingly, this guy later revealed himself to be abusive (well, the signs were already there; I think in a way this was a confessional outburst on his part), and he sexually assaulted me after we broke up. I confronted him about it (saying “that weekend”) and he immediately said, “That out of control weekend?” (I was perfectly fine–far too nice to him, in fact; he sexually assaulted me and treated me like dirt afterward, then came back to me crying about what a messed up person he is and how all he ever does is hurt people). So, he immediately implied he had been “out of control” that weekend (and he knew something was wrong with his behavior). I said to him “I think it was more than a little out of control,” and he, again, immediately knew what I was talking about (I could have been referring to almost *anything* he had done that weekend; he also revealed he had been lying to me after our breakup–which was only two weeks before–when he repeatedly told me, unsolicited, that he was not dating, and had in fact gone out and slept with a number of women, which he rubbed in all day; he was very cruel to me; told me he had a “monster” inside him; then came back and told me he still loved me and didn’t want to let me go and cried to me about all of this). He immediately stood up and said, “The r-word? The r-word? You can’t cry after the fact!” So he knew EXACTLY what I was referring to. I was shocked by this, and reported him.

    I think this whole time I have continued believing he “lost control,” when clearly, in retrospect, that weekend was about calculated revenge (even though he broke up with me; he was mad at me for not being the perfect girlfriend and annoying him into breaking up with me when he had been so in love with me. I was alarmed by his increasingly erratic behavior and didn’t know how to respond to it, which is why I bugged him).

    However, you are perfectly right. He staged the conditions for this “loss of control” quite purposely (i.e., he got me to let him up to my apartment after my initial reluctance, he knew I was still in love with him and wanted to reconcile, I was shocked to see him and so drank the liquor he brought me quite quickly, it was two in the morning and I was sleepy, it began consensual and then I stopped and curled up and went to sleep–he set the stage for me to be in a very vulnerable position, incapacitated by emotion, sleepiness, and alcohol). He did to me the one thing I had asked him to stop even asking about when we broke up (even telling him why–because of a previous sexual assault–which I should not have had to); he held me in place though I clearly squirmed and said protesting things; and then he pinned me down and did it. He stopped when I began screaming, and screaming “Stop,” which shows he DOES have self-control (he even said, “See? I stopped. Even though it was really hard.”). The point was he shouldn’t have done it in the first place. And why did he stop? Several reasons: I have a roommate, who would have come in if I continued screaming; if he continued to do it while I was screaming and begging him not to, I would not feel so confused about it later and would definitely, immediately after, have reported him for rape; he was hoping to get away with it though he knew he had no consent to begin with (i.e. hoping I would exhibit my typical response of before–freezing up and dissociating–which would allow him to say he didn’t know I didn’t want to; he used my past history of sexual abuse against me; that is, he sexually abused me when we were together as well, because he knew I made a pliant victim–I had trouble resisting him, and if he did things without asking I wouldn’t say anything, and if he pressed me enough sometimes I’d do things for him); so he was hoping for that same reaction when he forced on me this particular act I had told him I never wanted to do with him; and he certainly regained that “lost control” pretty quickly when it became clear I would resist and would not let him get away with it this time.

    Then he somehow justified in his head having sex with me when I was practically asleep in the morning. I was heavily passed out because of drinking too much too quickly. He slapped me hard to wake me and I saw him looking down at my face, waiting for me to open my eyes (so he could rationalize that he was not having sex with me in my sleep), and then he just went at it–zero consent, verbal or nonverbal; zero participation on my part; I literally woke up to a slap and he immediately began having sex with me. If I had said “no” at that point it would already have been rape (which I didn’t like to think about, was too out of it–and shocked–and still asleep–to think about); but he would have likely said exactly the same thing: “See, I stopped when you said stop.” He was an abuser and a rapist but a coward, and wanted a pliant victim (which I was, in the morning; I just passed out again).

    This is not losing control. Losing control would mean he kept going the night before, despite the possible consequences for him. Losing control would mean he did not wait until his victim was as incapacitated as possible. Losing control would mean he did not groom victims for abuse (get them in relationships so they had feelings for him/were confused about what he was doing). Losing control would mean, as you say, that me having protection of some sort (say, a gun under my pillow) would not have deterred him (of course it would have).

    He was perfectly right when he said men don’t “lose control.” They simply take advantage of women who are in vulnerable situations in which they think they won’t be caught, either because they are horny and they want to (entitlement) or out of anger/as some form of revenge (power and control).

    If men lose control because of women in short skirts and skimpy tops, why isn’t there more rape at the beach? Because the beach is often crowded and women usually don’t go alone (they will often get sexually harassed when they do–because strangers won’t intervene in that–but not raped, not with other people around). If they “lost control,” they would not care that people might intervene because losing control is literally losing control (as you say); they are controlling themselves. They see women at clubs dressed in sexy clothing and then wait for the right moment to strike–get her drunk, act nice, offer her a ride home, follow her home if she is on foot, etc. That is not “losing control” at all.

    I think I’ve only really ever experienced once incidence a man (who seemed mentally ill) “losing control;” I was chased once from car to car on the Madrid subway, when I was with a friend, by a short sweaty bald man who repeatedly stuck his hand down my jeans, though I yelled “go away!” and ran away from him. But then I was rescued by two tall drag queens, who told him off; so did even he lose control–or did he just do it as long as no one intervened and he thought he could get away with it (and knew I likely wouldn’t report him)? No, I don’t think he lost control either.

    You have helped me when it comes to having any empathy for my ex-boyfriend and what he did to me. I don’t care how “unconscious” his abuse was, it was conscious enough that he was able to calculate and manipulate the ideal conditions for it and stop himself when it seemed he might get in trouble. You have also helped me because I have no empathy for anything men have done to me; it was on purpose (whether they thought of what they were doing as wrong or not), they did it because they wanted to and thought they’d get away with it (as they did), they did it because I was vulnerable; I didn’t “make” them do it; if I hadn’t been as vulnerable/if I’d had protection, they would have stopped. I no longer have any sympathy for any of them.

    You have really clarified my thinking on this. Thank you.

    Reply

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