Anupa and I have decided to not have children. Ever. We’re damn sure even after 8 years of marriage. A while ago, she showed symptoms of endometriosis – a very common problem affecting women in general (thank god I’m not a woman!). One procedure that has a chance to provide a certain amount of relief is sterilization. It’s not a sure shot, and the pain could return but since we had nothing to lose, what the heck…why not? We kill two birds with one stone. No danger of ever getting pregnant again!
Unfortunately, we found that gynecologists are universally reluctant to perform this trivial surgery that millions of woman benefit from every year. Were there medical risks? No! Were they unqualified to do it? No! Were there laws against sterilization? No! So what’s the hangup?
The answer: We don’t have kids.
Digging a bit deeper, we found that their “ethics” prevent them from carrying out the procedure on childfree couples, even when they have no intention of conceiving in the future. The question is – whose ethics? And why are they imposing their ethics on others?
We do not hire them to make moral judgments and to shove their version of ethics down our throat.
Why do we go to a doctor? For medical knowledge and expertise. We visit and pay them for their superior medical training, judgment, and understanding about how the body works. For their skill at surgery and fixing stuff that goes wrong with us. We do not hire them to make moral judgments and to shove their version of ethics down our throat.
The overwhelming concern seems to be “What if you want to have kids later on?” As if this is some revolutionary thought we haven’t had before. As if we’ve just been coasting along one day at a time for 8 years, never once asking ourselves “Do we want to have children in the future?” What arrogance! What hubris!
And just to be clear – if we do wish to have children at a later date, then that is our cross to bear. We made the decision to get ourselves sterlized. And we live with the consequences. Just like if I sign a contract today selling my house and land, I can’t come back 20 years later and say “Oh, I changed my mind. Give it back!”. A decision is a decision. What’s done is done. And as long as we, as adults, make the choice with full information at our fingertips, then the consequences of that choice belong to us and no one else.
What right does a doctor have to interfere in this process? Next, we’ll have shopkeepers refusing to sell condoms to childfree couples because in their view, having children is all important! Countries have laws against such discrimination, and such a refusal will run afoul of them immediately.
And is this not discrimination against childfree couples? Why should we of everyone else, be singled out for not being able to receive the benefits of sterilization? And it actually helps with endometriosis!
I really think we need to re-evaluate how the medial profession works. A doctor’s job is to provide the patient with full information regarding the procedure – the probabilities of complications, risks, and benefits to the best of their knowledge. The decision to go ahead with the procedure should be left to the patient. We don’t visit a doctor for their superior moral judgment. That’s not their forte.
Let doctors use their morals on their own bodies if they want. But they have no right to shove those morals down the throats of others.
And how presumptuous to assume that even if you did want kids in the future, having biological kids would be your only choice!!
Are there any laws protecting patients who are denied care from doctors imposing their own “ethics” into situations like this?
In reply to Clueless
Unfortunately no…there are no anti discrimination laws protecting childfree couples in such a situation :(
Welcome to Gynec India Inc!
This is an universal experience for Indian women, and I am shocked to what extent these medical degree touting twats thrust their moral judgement upon you. There are actual gynecs who told my friend that using contraceptive pills would make her infertile. How about THAT for spreading misinformation? So she ended up getting pregnant with an unplanned baby because she started using the oh-so-effective ‘withdrawal technique’.
They also ask you if you are married or not so they could make a MEDICAL judgement. Why not ask if you’re sexually active or not?! You’d be me likely to get an accurate answer to make your diagnosis.
It’s terrible, really! This subject really upsets me because even with access to medical facilities, Indian women don’t have access because of this shit.or
In reply to Fem
We were openly told that it would be “unethical” for a gynec to sterilize my wife if she hasn’t had children yet! I think maybe there should be laws requiring doctors to put aside their personal feelings and deal only with the medical situation at hand.
the church will reward you if you have more babies!
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https://twitter.com/shaksingh/status/553597182012432384
so sorry to hear about your wife’s condition, I have heard from some of my friends that it is very painful.
Such a brave choice you have made, especially in India too. So many relatives constantly pressuring to have kids as if it is some easy or simple task – there is so much to think about before!
That is awful about the Gyn…it is absolutely none of their business!
In reply to A.madhavan
Imagine when your doctor doesn’t do what’s best for you!
Doesn’t refusing someone medical treatment go against their ethics or something?
“I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures [that] are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism.”-modern hippocratic oath.
By the way, although you really shouldn’t have to do this, consider just telling the doctors you have kids? That solves the practical problem at least.
In reply to tehy
If only their sole concern was the physical health of patient. To make them free of pain – period (pun intended!)
In India, doctors advice you on kids, lawyers advice you on marriage, cops advice you on dressing, teachers advice you on who to be friends with, judges advice you on all of the above. Even the electrician who came to my dad’s house (on one of my recent visits) asked, “Who messed up the geyser?” It’s a mindset. All of these professionals need to separate the personal/judgmental/moral from the professional and just do their jobs objectively and spare people their wisdom.
In reply to Priya
But then how would they feel superior to others without the “gyan”? :P
Gawd… such irritating doctors.. Even I had the experience of a gynecologist showering me with moral advises.. And after that I am scared of going to one …
In reply to simple girl
Yeah, it’s enough to put you off them permanently!
That’s awful! I’m sorry your wife is going through all this needless pain because someone suddenly developed some kind of moral judgement about your decision!! I do hope you find a sane and non-interfering doctor soon!
In reply to Roshni
Those appear to be in short supply – not just in India, but in most foreign countries as well! At least as far as this particular issue goes.
I have just finally undergone sterilisation for myself (I’m a man) after asking for 8 years. Despite having 2 kids at the time I first asked, I was told I was too young (under 40 in England is apparently too young). The reasons I received were “what if my relationship breaks up and I want kids with a new partner?” amongst others.
As it happens, I now have three kids which was a surprise but we wouldn’t go back, but my motivation didn’t change. I fully agree that it’s your decision not your doctor. The doctor can guide and counsel, maybe even demand a series of counselling sessions before a decision is made, but I think the doctor should only be able to deny the procedure if it is medically inadvisable.
In reply to Mario
Wow – imagine not being able to get yourself sterilized at the age of 40 after having 2 kids! What the hell…
I am angry about this sort of ‘shoving of morals down patients’ throats’ but not surprised really, the way things are. Really, when will be treated as adults and not be spoken down too by doctors, lawyers, teachers…. the lot? Like you rightly said, it is up to us to deal with any regrets that may crop up later, not theirs to sermonize to us about.
In reply to Shail
I think many doctors like the soapbox their profession provides.