Dying Unexpectedly

I was reading Dostoevsky’s “The Idiot” yesterday, and his description of what a man’s state of mind when he is about to be executed really struck a chord. I guess I think of death more than most people – not morbidly, but as a matter of fact, and I always thought that I would face it calmly and certainly.

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But suppose I’m on a death sentence, and I figure it’ll be at least a week before my turn comes. I’m woken up at 5 am by a gentle tap and told that I am to be executed at 10 am. When we’re asleep, or just woken up, is when our defenses are fully laid low, and there is no pretense or armor. I can’t imagine how I would feel.

If, as a prisoner, I have accepted my fate and resigned myself to die in a week, how will I react to the news that I am to die forthwith? This combined with my having just woken up would, I imagine, throw me into a panic. Not because I wasn’t expecting it. But because it’s come up so suddenly, as if my life doesn’t mean anything to whoever decided I was to die.

I would feel anger, helplessness. I don’t want to die like that. I want to die having accepted the fact, without fighting against it. The Samurai had it right when they would kill themselves without a thought. But that is perhaps because they never viewed themselves as individuals with a will of their own, but rather as slaves of their master, and of destiny.

Why am I here? What is the use of doing all this if I’m just going to die one day? Where is the meaning?

I know the answer to all this. Life has no meaning but what you give it. And when I’m calm, I will remember it. But every now and then, I can still be shocked.

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4 thoughts on “Dying Unexpectedly”

  1. Bhagwad,

    I remember your intimate love with death and the kind of logic you use to find when we were together during our MBA days. I can recollect the event you narrated of your "Great Depression" one night and subsequent quest…

    I till day fear your thinking process. Trust me I keep telling my friends that I know a nerd called bhagwad who is a Genius, an all rounder and an examplary orator…

    I like reading you everyday bhagwad, as it gives me a dose of inspiration, everyday…

    Reply

  2. No doubt, we had lot of fun as well as lot of work. I do remember you being overloaded with work. Every time we use to get team project you were the one in your team who use to complete everything and surprise all your team mates on the day of submission by handling them a copy each for their referral….And your questions…oh God! they were never ending saga in Economics class. I was of the opinion that the economics teacher Mr. Shyam Sunder will suicide someday…;)

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