For the past few days, I have been looking out for a job that suits me. It’s quite a stumbling block, that I don’t know what to call what I do. The specialty that I have created for myself, is to take existing systems, and make them more efficient, usually using computers. Or, to create a system where none existed before.<\/p>\n
But what is such a person called? My usefulness becomes readily apparent once I am IN the company, and then I quickly make myself indispensable. But how do I communicate this to the person who is considering me as a candidate? There must be professions that do what I do, but they’re usually populated by oldies, or youngies (is there such a word?) who have specific qualifications that I do not have. My art is self created, and not taught from outside.<\/p>\n
Another problem that I have been facing, is that of salary. When I joined my older company, I asked for a paltry wage, which I hoped, would not require me to work as hard as other people who got paid more. Now, I find that people looking at my previous wage, devalue my work as not being good enough to pay well. And as such, I have issued getting the kind of good work that I do best.<\/p>\n
Actually getting a job is not a problem. Pushed to it, I can get a job easily enough…but to get a job that suits me is a challenge. Luckily, I have some time to work things out.<\/p>\n
The difficult part, is dealing with the impression within myself that I am unemployed. Somehow, inside me, there is a part of of society that has become part of myself, that gives me the stigma of being unemployed. And this tortures me. I have had some difficulty in identifying that this voice is not really me, but my superego, implanted in me by my father, whose voice it is. Now that I recognize it, I am trying to tell myself that I must be myself, and not be pushed on to feel guilty by an internalized authority. I wish to be self driven. And not by a force, even if it is inside me, that I do not consciously endorse. I am no slave.<\/p>\n
I’ll never such a gosling, to obey instinct, but stand as if a man were author of himself, and knew no other kin – Coriolanus<\/p>\n
It’s not easy at all. It bites away at my peace of mind, and at my free time. I must not allow myself to feel guilty. How did I even reach this stage? I used to be strong, with a will of iron. And now I am soft and weak. That was necessity perhaps since I was not fulfilled. Now that I am, does it excuse me from being as much of a man as I was then? My conscience keeps reminding me that I am a fraction of what I am capable of being. But how do I get back on track?<\/p>\n
I’ll find a way. I have to. I must start afresh, and fight.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"