Blaming the Woman vs Blaming the System

Recently IHM wrote about how women are treated unequally in many situations. I feel this calls for a somewhat deeper look into two types of problems. The first is where we blame the system for unfair treatment to women. The second is where women themselves are to be blamed for their circumstances.

Where to place the blame?
Where to place the blame?

Blaming the system

There’s no doubt that in many cases in India, the system is to be blamed for the poor plight of women. When I say “system,” I don’t just mean the governmental machinery but also the way other people behave or expect the woman to behave leaving her with no choice. For example, it’s no secret that many women face a hard time in crowded buses and trains. There’s not much that women themselves can do about it beyond a point. In such cases, I see the need to provide a separate coach/seating arrangement for women where there is public transport (I actually have more to say on this, but this isn’t the place.)

The “system” is to be blamed when a woman is continually harassed for dowry or forced to abandon an illegitimate baby. When a woman is “eve teased,” I blame the system. When she’s asked not to wear jeans by her college authorities, I blame the system.

In short, I blame the system whenever a woman has no choice. And that’s the fundamental crime – taking away choice for the victim.

Blaming the woman herself

On the other hand, I have difficulty letting a woman off the hook when she has the tools to stand up for herself but chooses not to use them. For example, when we have a well educated, articulate, and financially independent woman who gives in to her parent’s desire to marry her off in an arranged marriage, I feel she loses the right to blame the “system” or external forces for her predicament. Mind you, I’m not without sympathy for the emotional pressure/blackmail she’s put under to submit. But I have an issue if after submitting, she turns around and accuses other people or the system for her problems.

Sometimes, shit happens and there’s no one to “blame” for it.

Now in a situation where the woman is not financially independent, where she’s a minor, where she has nowhere to run or nowhere to go, then yes – that’s not her fault and she must be helped. Such a woman or girl has every right to blame the system for her predicament. But not when she has the resources to obtain a different outcome and chooses to submit anyway.

Suppose I’m in a workplace and a woman wants to go home early so that she can take care of her husband. How am I supposed to react to this? In a workplace, every employee has to be treated equally – equal pay, equal work and all that. Do I feel sorry for the woman’s problems at home? Yes. But am I willing to take on extra work to compensate for her going home with no additional benefit to me? Not on a continuing basis. Or suppose she’s staying with her parents who want her to come home early (let’s say she stays next door.) I feel sympathy for her having sucky parents. But that sympathy stops when I’m being significantly impacted by her choice to listen to her parents and her refusal to go live her own life.

Of course, I’ve always had a problem with maternity leave instead of “general personal leave” for everyone.

Happily, we see many instances of brave women giving the finger to the system – sometimes without even having the means to support themselves. We see young lovers risking their lives and well being by running away against Khap diktats. With such instances happening all around us, forgive me for not shedding tears for well off and empowered women who can’t stand up to their parents or husbands and take their life into their own hands.

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20 thoughts on “Blaming the Woman vs Blaming the System”

  1. Regarding the workplace thing and women going home early…Well, I blame the system for a part of the problem…See, men with families can work late, travel etc. because they expect their children to be taken care of by their wives in their absence even if the wives are working…In most cases, women don’t have the luxury of knowing that their children and home will be taken care of by their husbands when they are not there…If husbands pitched in more, most women wouldn’t mind working late or travelling etc. …There are exceptions of course…Most women who have succeeded in the corporate sector (eg. Indra Nooyi) have husbands who have taken a backseat (career wise) to take care of the home and children…If the system changed, things would be better for everyone…

    Reply

    • In reply to Sraboney

      I get where you’re coming from. My question is at what point do we say “Well, it’s her choice to marry such a guy and her choice to live as per his terms.” I know that people can be placed in terribly inconvenient situations. And they have my sympathy. But do we always have to blame external factors?

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  2. We have been blaming the system for quite some years,but good thing is that the soceity is changing but at a very slow pace.All we do is to blame and speak out more and more so that the pace gets faster.
    Then about blaming the woman,most of them surrender to the emotional blackmails of parents or soceity as they fear the consequences inside the family.Nobody will be very happy to see any one of the parents dead.No exaggeration here.Four of my friends lost their father as he couldn’t bear the embarrassment.Four of them now regret as though they got the guy they wanted,they made their Mom lose her guy.Of course I don’t have a solution for this.

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  3. I agree with you on the work thing. I believe that men and women should work equally for equal pay. Which is why I quit when I realised that I could not give what was demanded at work the way my peers (men and women) could at that stage in my life. If we were both making the same, he probably would have been the one to quit, but since he was making much more, I did.
    Even now, I have taken up a job that is more accommodating of our choice to spend more time with the children. I think the choice to work or stay at home should be a mutual decision between the couple and if they’re both on the same page, both should pitch in equally about childcare.
    However, to provide another perspective on why women cave in to pressure, family situations can be so unreasonable in many homes that women either have to walk out of all relationships (parents, spouse etc) or cave in. As a nation we’re not used to being accommodating towards the women in our families.
    So if I wanted to work and my spouse were unwilling to pitch in in any way, I would have to dump him because many men would much rather let a wife walk out rather than give up their privileges. Sadly, women are not valued all that much in many relationships and they know that. It is women like this that need that job a lot more.

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  4. Blame, blame, blame. Everyone has a grouse. An Arab comes to America, enjoys all the good life and liberty and finally says he is a victim of bias against his religion. The Marxists take up the cause of all victims, shed copious tears and finally when they gain power, they resort to every repressive measure possible. Look at how these people fail — the Jihadis cannot win conventional wars, their nations cannot advance in Science and Technology. The Marxists could only hold onto power with repressive means.
    My point? You start as a victim, you end as a victim. Victimhood is a state of mind. It is a loser mindset. Lesson for feminists: making the loudest possible noise about injustice and victimization will not serve your cause. That is why feminism is on decline even in the west.

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  5. Bhagwad, it’s not fear of their deaths that stops many women from marrying the men they love, but mainly, ‘disobedience’ and ‘defiance’ are seen a serious wrongs. A mother recently told me her daughter was very close to her, and a favorite child because, “…she is respectful, good in studies, obedient, confident, polite, she will marry whoever we choose for her, she told me not to fire the maid because the maid has to feed her family, she prays every morning, loves her siblings…”

    When I was eight or so, I was shocked to read some news about how a mother was ‘accused’ of killing her child, I remember asking my mother how that could be, I had till then believed that parents had complete rights over their children, to kill, love, hate, beat whatever. See it from the point of women who grow up hearing so much about obedience and so much against freedom. Do you know, it is common to say ‘she’s very liberal’ or ‘free’ or ‘azad’, when condemning (and insulting) women who defy immediate family or community norms?

    Death is easily condemned by the media, but most women never hear expectations of obedience or ‘sacrifice’ being condemned. Apart from our blogs (and a rare article somewhere) everywhere one reads, hears and watches in serials and ads, how it is ‘selfish’ to hurt one’s family by not being obedient – men and women both find it difficult to accept scorn, isolation and blame, in return of freedom. Do keep in mind, that they aren’t sure what they are doing is actually absolutely right. So I feel the first step is to understand that it’s okay to choose for yourself – it’s not selfish to want freedom. Even educated men and women face this (though women are under more pressure, because they are dependent too).

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    • In reply to indianhomemaker

      So, that is what it is. You have been reading crime news from age eight. And taking it seriously. Now that has become a part of you. You need it, so you can condemn it. Because that is how you see yourself. It sustains your identity. This is called pain body — we dislike pain, sorrow and suffering but we need it.

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      • In reply to bhagwad

        Personal? I should have added that this is applies to all of us. Attack? It is not You versus Me but You+Me versus our false identity — something that relies on others’ flaws for its sustenance . Because it cannot stand on its own. Something that treats every suggestion to look inward as an assault. Because this false identity cannot withstand our scrutiny, our introspection. (I am not being apologetic and I am afraid that may further anger some here).

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  6. Bhagwad blaming the system or blaming the women or the society … all of that does not solve any problem or do anything. This is the world we have inherited and these are the systems. Either we go with them or we swim against the tide. Both things work. As a person who swam against the tide, I know that one can survive doing that too. And the world or others dont owe us anything. Its our choice to live the life we choose to. So why blame or even brood about things. Why not live it?

    And freedom comes with responsibility. If a choice sucks, well lump it. That is how I feel.

    Why waste time accusing someone or the society or the system. Life is too short. Either we waste it blaming stuff or we live it

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  7. Absolutely agree. I would go one step further to say that where the system’s not working, it is also up to the person who is affected to do something about it. The system’s got no incentive to change until the affected make it happen.

    I like blaming when it helps change. Not when women blame someone/something and then sit back and give up. They don’t seem to realize that they are giving up on themselves and if they themselves don’t fight for what they want, no one else needs to or should be expected to!

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  8. Well…. broadly and generally agree.

    But in a fair system one should not have to fight for what is equally due (say at work) If a category or class of people (call them JalParks or Jais) are being discriminated against and they are spending time and effort at just overcoming the bias, that is an unfair burden on them.

    OTOH many educated middle-class women may willingly choose a “traditional” role like home-maker. Then it makes no sense to b

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  9. last comment got truncated…. what I was trying to continue with was to say that there is some complexity involved. I think we men have lesser pressure on us and more options in an “arranged marriage”. But I agree with you that an educated and employed woman who has her parents fix up an alliance should not within her rights, be able to play a victim card or blame the parents or society later. She has the major chunk of responsibility.

    I like putting numbers on stuff, it feels to me like this goes 70(herself) -30 (parents and society).
    With most educated guys in most situations that ratio would be like 90 (one’s own likes) : 10(pressure from society, family)

    thanks,
    Jai

    Reply

    • In reply to Jai_C

      Jai,

      I really doubt that mens’ percentage of “likes” is 90%. If that was so, we would have many more men who do things which they like to do instead of just doing the same regular jobs that everyone does. We would see more men become actors, professors, writers, and librarians instead of the mad rush to be either a doctor, engineer, IT guy, accountant etc etc…

      Men are also pressurized into being the one to support the family (how many stay at home dads do we see?) The pressure on men is just as much as that on women. It’s more obvious in the case of women, but it’s very much present.

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      • In reply to bhagwad

        Bhagwad,

        I get what you say. I was thinking mostly in terms of arranged marriages where the groom-to-be has more freedoms and more options to refuse the match than the prospective bride. I misspoke when I extended this to “most situations”. I still feel there is more freedom for the man even in the situation you describe. as long as he is prepared to be “downgraded” in the arranged marriage market, he can go in for a career of his choosing. This is sort-of what IHM was talking about.

        Meanwhile here is an example of the kind of *pseudo-victimhood* that makes me balk. I just thought of this post while I was reading it. Manohla Dargis reviewing bridesmaids in NYT, for I assume, a mostly American urban audience in mid- 2011:

        “….They ask the question facing every modern woman who jumps at the chance to enact the latter-day equivalent of being passed from man to man, father to husband, if without a bushel of dowry corn and 12 goats: How do you survive getting down the aisle? …”

        The pass from father to husband! The 12 goats she isnt willing to forget even centuries down the line!

        Wak! I thought they have the most freedom in wedding ceremonies, they pick and choose the vows and ceremonies and the dresses and all that goes with it.

        thanks,
        Jai
        PS: She is reviewing a comedy and may have been trying to work humor in, though it doesnt soud like it. the movie seems to be a fun one though.

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  10. Hi Bhagwad

    Well, its not always about family and childcare for women, probably the biggest obstacle is the attitude of men (of course the women as well). May be you are one such person who believes that women need to be treated equally, but out of 100 men 97 are people who have issues. I know women who think that they need to give up on their dreams simply because they have the sole responsibility to take care of the family and the man is only the bread winner. We need to start thinking about switching places.

    I also know men (educated) who are not very comfortable with their women who is career oriented or ambitious. Honestly i have nothing against men, they are like that because the society expects them to. For so many years of oppression of women, it would take sometime for them to come back to a normal state. And we should not just talk about Equality here, it is more about Equity. We all know that women cannot be equal to men when it comes to physical strength and there could be more to state and the same goes with men. Men cannot match women in some aspects (leave alone exceptions). But there are limitations of the biological aspect. So we need to concentrate on gender equity and not gender equality.

    Nevertheless i do agree with a lot that you have mentioned here. Women need to fight back, but we do need support from men who are mature enough to accept that women have their own rights just like men do. I don’t want to talk much about the system here simply because we have too many loopholes.

    Reply

    • In reply to Shruti

      It’s a system where both men and women are equally culpable Shruti. Just the other day for example, I was talking to a woman who insisted on only marrying a man who will take care of her and earn all the money in the family. She already has a very well paying job, but after marriage she demands the right to quit whenever she wants and denies the same right to her future husband.

      This pathetic state propagates because women are just as culpable as men in stereotyping. The biggest problem is the attitude of women and men. And after all, the woman is probably the single biggest influencer of a child’s opinion. The man gets his ideas from his parents and specially his mother. When women start changing en masse and men do the same, only then will things improve.

      It’s inaccurate to put the blame mainly on the shoulders of the men here. The khap panchayats may have all been composed of men. But you can bet that the women in the village thought in pretty much the same way.

      Reply

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