Three Reasons Why People Think Wife Beating is Justified

This report from TOI saying that over half of young boys and girls believe that beating your wife is ok should have shocked me. But it didn’t. Because I can understand why. I understand completely because I kind of used to think the same thing when I was younger. Try not to judge me. Instead, understand the power that upbringing has on children even when there’s no explicit instruction given by parents. By analyzing myself, there are three reasons for so many people thinking that it’s ok to beat on your less powerful spouse.

1. They grew up in a house where their father used to (frequently or rarely) hit their mother. Look at this from a child’s point of view. To them, everything their parents do is correct. It’s only later that we obtain the discernment to question their actions. So naturally when a child witnesses domestic violence, the de facto position is that it is justified. How could they think otherwise? So even without the parents explicitly telling their children that domestic violence is wrong, the child picks up cues that it’s ok.

2. Males in Indian society are often told things like “Keep the woman under control”. “Wear the pants in the family”. “Don’t let her control you”. “You must be the ones to make the decisions” etc. People around them or their parents instill these values – either explicitly or implicitly. It’s not easy to break away from conditioning. Once you do break away, you slap your forehead and think “Doh!” – how stupid is that? But until these things are questioned, they’re there in your mind without you even knowing about them.

3. We are constantly told that it’s important to hold a marriage together. That “a ship can have only one captain” and that only by one partner asserting dominance and “taking control” can the marriage be stable. It’s like a dictator putting down a rebellion just to keep the kingdom going. What I didn’t understand till I got out of my teens was that marriage is not an end in itself. The freedom, integrity and happiness of the individual is far more important than remaining married. Just like it’s unacceptable for a tyrant to use force on his or her own people to keep the kingdom from falling apart, it’s unacceptable to use force to keep a marriage together at all costs.

Not a very easy post for me to write since it exposes some of my internal background. But I feel that people will find this analysis useful to better understand why people think the way they do and what points to work on to improve the way children and students think about domestic violence.