This evening Anupa and I went for a walk to the lake close to us. We went up to the pier and stared out at the windy lake for a few minutes. There were a few kids there and one of them was fishing. Obviously inexperienced since she didn’t know how to handle the line. Soon she got a bite and managed to haul it in. However it quickly became clear that she wanted to throw it back in without killing it. Either it wasn’t the kind of fish they were hoping for or they just wanted to fish for fun. But no one knew how to get the line out. They looked into the mouth and it was stuck pretty deep. They were understandably queasy about sticking their fingers in.
In the meantime the poor fish was gasping out its last breath. I could see it opening and closing its mouth as it futilely tried to extract oxygen from the uncooperative air. I wanted to help, I really did. But I’d never touched a live fish before. I knew I’d have to put my fingers in and extract the hook but something held me back. Logically I knew that there was no danger. This fish didn’t have teeth and I don’t think it could sting or anything. But being a catfish, it has these whisker like protrusions from its mouth that were kind of creepy. No matter how badly I wanted to, I couldn’t bring myself to put my fingers in and extract the hook.
The kids were getting visibly upset that it was going to die. The girl who caught it said “I don’t want to kill it!” At the time I was angry at them. Why bother catching a fish and hooking its throat if you have no intention of eating it? Why cause pain to a creature going about its own business? But then…well, they were kids. And you can’t judge them too harshly. They might have been thoughtless but they have time to grow up. Hopefully this would lead them to consider that their actions can have serious consequences.
But me? What stopped me from helping the struggling creature? I”m an adult and am responsible for my actions. Sure, it wasn’t really my problem and that made it easier for me to walk away. If it was a person I loved in that situation I would surely have pushed myself to do something even if it was distasteful. But isn’t that the excuse of all callous and selfish people? That it wasn’t their problem? We keep hearing stories of strangers being left on the road because passersby didn’t want to get involved in court cases or get embroiled in some uncertain danger and we condemn it. But how different am I from one of these people?
This incident showed me the unpleasant truth that when it comes down to it I care more about myself. I tell myself now that if I were to relive the experience I would have tried to help. But who cares about hindsight and regrets? That fish is dead now and it’s because I couldn’t summon up the courage to act decisively even though my logical mind told me that it couldn’t hurt. What if the danger had been real? What are the chances I would have risked injury to myself to help someone?
Or maybe it was my inherent speciesism. Maybe I thought it was “just a fish”. But then why do I feel so horrible? Part of me knows that my inaction was not excusable on any grounds. They say that bravery isn’t about not feeling fear. It’s about acting despite your fear. In which case I am not a brave person. Either that or the stakes weren’t high enough. I like to tell myself that if the situation was more dire I would surely have brought myself to act.
But who knows till it actually happens? It’s not easy suddenly finding out the truth about yourself…
An act of cowardice, but, a momemt of bravery in confessing the act. The act has achieved its objective of waking you up. You are not going to be the same from now on. Bravo…
In reply to nandagopal
The only thing I can do is to promise myself that if a similar situation arises again I will be sure to at least try to do something.
In reply to bhagwad
It’s a fish, for crying out loud. People kill and eat them everyday. This is no different. Even if those kids or you didn’t eat it, someone or something else will. Next post, please.
In reply to nick
I tend to feel the same way about meat eating, historically domestication was a better gig than ‘tooth and claw’, although factory farms may have one one mother nature! But sometimes I feel that sport-hunting by well fed people isn’t so easy to justify. Are we letting our gifts over the rest of living nature run away with us? Are they so different from us that inherent worth in humans can’t be extended to animals? I’m not sold on Jainist levels of obligations, but can we say that fish got to be the best fish it could be? Even in a way that say, a mounted prize fish might have?
Not all of us are dextrous with our hands. Chances are that even if you had tried you might not have been able to get the hook out and you might have caused more injury or pain to the fish….
In reply to tp
True enough. But at least I would have done something. A chance at life is better than no chance at all.
//But who knows till it actually happens? It’s not easy suddenly finding out the truth about yourself…// is more true than we realise.
In reply to Indian Homemaker
That made me pause for a second too. I’m scared that my trendency (tryn a new phrasing) to rationalise my noninvolvement is a sign of growing particulate, principaled misanthropy. To be clear, I despise humanity, but I also pity us, and don’t think it’s any one individual’s fault we are such a hopelessly pitiful species. Still, I find it nigh impossible to give people the benefit of the dought. I try to compensate by tipping people with definite cripplings or who have rendered me a definite service eg taxi. Thats only my take, but glad it wasn’t just me who was jolted by the bolt.
We mightn’t think twice about ingesting dead plants, fish or animals but when it comes to watching anything die before our very eyes, most of us are disturbed. Contrariness of being human