Rape is a very serious crime. But is it rape when a man backs off from his promise to marry a woman? I don’t think so. Rape is a very specific crime – sex without consent or with invalid consent. Anything else is consensual regardless of the circumstances. If a woman has sex with a man based on his promise of marriage, that is her choice. She should know that a verbal promise is not legally binding and all actions premised on that can backfire. We are talking about grown adult women after all – not minors.
Courts are beginning to see the sense of this and are uniformly acquitting men on the charge of rape in such situations. But what remains is the charge of “cheating”. In the linked case, the man got 5 years for “cheating” a woman by promising to marry her and then leaving! I think that’s ridiculous.
If a guy pretends to share a girl’s interests and sleeps with her, do we take him to court for “cheating”?
What is this “cheating” nonsense? An adult woman didn’t know that a “promise to marriage” is not binding? She should take responsibility for her choices and live with them. This is a symptom of India’s tendency to view a woman as “spoiled” if she has intercourse. We have to stop viewing sex as something “given in exchange for marriage”. If we were sensible, we’d see that nothing earth shattering has happened. The woman had consensual sex, she’s still healthy, has suffered no violence, and no indignity.
Notice how the woman isn’t upset that he refused to marry her. She’s upset because they had sex and then he refused to marry her. If he’d simply broken his “promise” without having sex, neither would she have gone to court, and neither would the court have sentenced him. This clearly shows the broken way in which we view sex in India. As something to be traded. As something a woman “agrees to” in order to “trap men into marriage”. The entire concept of marriage then becomes nothing but glorified prostitution.
The word “cheating” is employed when there is a victim who has actually lost something. Who has suffered something. But in this case, what has the woman “lost”? Somehow Indian society has managed to convince even the judges that a woman’s worth is lessened by sex. It’s an abomination, and something that the Supreme Court should step in and correct.
Let’s be clear on one thing – all of us misrepresent ourselves in some way or the other when dealing with people. Even using a deodorant is a sign that you’re trying to cover up your stinky armpits. Shall we start taking people to court for “misrepresenting” their body odor? Or let’s say that a guy pretends to share a girl’s interests to make her like him. They have sex and later she finds out that he actually doesn’t give a crap about Honey Boo Boo. Are we to believe that a court can put the guy away for 5 years now on the charge of “cheating”?
It’s high time we stopped defining a woman’s value by whether or not she’s had sex. The court should say to the woman in the linked article “You know what? We don’t care if you two had sex. You haven’t suffered by it and you’re back where you started. Get over it, pick yourself up and move on. We’re not here to protect you from yourself!”
After a long time, agree with you fully. This rape with promise of marriage is total bullshit.
In reply to Abhishek
Yes it is. Maybe we don’t always have to be at each other’s throats after all :p
In reply to bhagwad
ha ha…cheers man!
Exactly my thoughts. If a woman promises marriage, has sex, and backs out later on promise of marriage; then she wont be tried for sexual abuse at all, because she has not “robbed” him of anything. Then how can we consider that man can “rob” a woman of something (precisely: her “honour”) when he has sex with her?
In reply to Abhishek Oza
Exactly. I hate gender biased laws with a passion. They go against everything that I expect from a fair justice system.
In reply to bhagwad
Thanks for responding to my comment.
But the point I wanted to make was: a woman does not lose anything, when she has sex, just like a man does not lose anything when he has sex. So the question of him robbing her by having sex with her is ridiculous, on which the promise-of-marriage aspect of the rape law is based.
And yes I agree that there should be no bias in law towards/against any gender.
So true. When both genders think a like, life would be so simple. I think the whole issue sums up to so called wedding rules(no where hand written), when a man wants to marry a women who is homely(indian version of virgin) and girl expecting a man with no prior relationships. People should just understand that it’s just fine to live and explore the life as they want. Having a consensual sex is not a crime not they are spoilt. Cheating is when he or she have another relation while with one. The definition should be defined clearly by the courts.
In reply to Radhika Gouni
Personally, I think the courts shouldn’t even bother with who sleeps with whom. After all, every couple is different. Some couples may be separated in real life while still remaining married on paper for any number of reasons…
In reply to bhagwad
Again in that case they need to act grown up in understanding the real life relation than just merely going with whats on papers, regardless this could be a problem with courts that go purely on book written rules which is entirely a different conversation altogether. When i say defining, i am clearly speaking about having an approved relationship both on papers and in real life. I should have been more discreet in my comment.
In reply to Radhika Gouni
Do you really feel the government should have laws on whether or not people love each other? There are some limits that the government shouldn’t cross. Cannot cross. If two people decide to have relations outside marriage with each other’s consent, why should the government bother?
In reply to bhagwad
Totally agree to your point. I am only pointing at relations with no consent. We are on the same page.
Yes; a broken promise, is just that; a broken promise and we have all had to deal with this in one way or the other. After all, it wasnt registered on stamp paper..was it ?
Completely agree. The verdict infantalizes the woman and is unjust to the man. But I think behind this judgment is our obsession with virginity. The woman sees herself as “damaged goods” and wants to see the guy punished. She may face severe social implications. She may be shamed/ostracized by her family and may not be able to find another relationship or partner. We need to stop obsessing on women’s virginity, then this mindset will change. Of course, the court should be objective, and not be influenced by society and culture. But in many cases, judges seem to lose their objectivity, sadly.
In reply to Priya
It’s an ongoing question really – should the law pander to “social realities”. I personally say “no”, but there are lots of people who feel otherwise. It’s an interesting topic for discussion…
Such cases are reported as rape and that is why most of our rape cases turn out to be false. Problem is one you are arrested in such a rape charge you become a criminal in the eyes of everyone. Just see what is happening with Uber driver. Even though he was released in earlier crimes, now people are trying to term him as a serial offender.
In reply to Partha
Like I said earlier, he has already confessed. I’m not saying that your point is invalid. I’m saying that in this case, he’s most likely guilty. I’m willing to run the risk of being wrong.
Agree with you totally .. What is this bullshit of accusing somebody of rape just because they backed out of marriage.. I mean seriously ??
It is high time court sees women as adults…..
In reply to simple girl
Yes – treat them as adults. That’s the crux of the problem.
In reply to bhagwad
Is not required first that women see themselves as adult first?
I agree. This cannot be considered a Rape and being a women too, I am completely aligned. But, we definitely need something strong on Cheating. I personally have seen situations where a guy would just troll around with a girl for years with all intention of getting married. The couple knows that the one or both of the families are not supportive. Despite, they mutually decide to go ahead. And, on the day of wedding guy walks out saying I can’t do it. Or a girl perhaps. Imagine the embarrassment it causes to the one left behind. It’s emotional, it’s financial ad it’s reputation loss. This should be punishable.
In reply to Deepika
Fully agree with you Deepika. When one is aware of the consequences of the promise he/she is making at the beginning then why don’t they stop at the foundation level in order to save honor n reputation,emotional suffering and loss of the one who will be left behind at the later stage, I mean when any boy or girl is this much mature that they can give consent to sex or relationship with each other they are surely mature enough to think of the consequences when their family will get to know. And when they are aware that they cant really hold against family’s decision then why going into such relationship which is known to be temporary. But here is is a twist there are instances in my life i have seen around, family even support the relationship but because any one the boy/girl loses interest from the relationship so they back off even after a very serious relationship. In that case its just fickle mindedness which cause loss to one who is left behind. In indian society if a boy is left behind its still only his emotional loss but if its a girl then its her dignity loss which should not be. This situation should be punishable.
In reply to Kuhu
Hi Kuhu. See my response below to your top level comment: http://www.bhagwad.com/blog/2014/politics/should-cheating-a-woman-be-a-crime.html/comment-page-1/#comment-33881
In reply to Deepika
Verbal agreements to marry surely cannot be legally enforceable. I mean, it is clearly not in anyone’s interests to force someone to get married against their will. That is a recipe for a disastrous marriage. For both partners.
People fall in and out of love all the time. It happens. It’s part of growing up. We all get over heartbreaks, and move on with life. It’s none of the government’s business to decide who marries whom, don’t you think?
Absolutely I would have fully agree to the matter with you guys being a woman also, a girl should be more broken off with the sadness that she lost her love for lifetime more than she lost her honor due to sex. But still one question is murmuring in my mind, why doesn’t a boy intending to have sex with girlfriend or any women he is attracted to clearly ask for sex only?why does and from where does he includes the matter of marriage here? I mean yes if he thinks sex can be as a two consenting adult thing then why cant he clearly express their interest in women only for sex and clearly utter they are not relating marriage to it from any angle. After this if any women is willing to sleep over then yes its absolutely not cheating and no boy should be hold accounted for his doing. But if a boy is finding out this same job easier with the help of promising a marriage matter and then backing off because its easy to convince an Indian girl like this then he should be accounted isn’t it? otherwise if boys consider this so righteous so why do they opt for promising marriage instead a direct approach for sex without even any offer of love or affair,just on the basis of her free will consent!! If boys are so confident of themselves they should not opt for promising marriages or anything of such sort by playing fraud just to earn that woman’s consent ever. Be confident about your approach first boys,thereafter.. yes enjoy !!
In reply to Kuhu
That’s a good question. And the reason I think is this: Verbal agreements are not legally enforceable in law. For example if you and I agree to meet for coffee tomorrow and don’t show up, can you take me to court? Will it considered a case of “cheating”? Of course not!
Now you’ll probably say that sex is more serious for a woman than meeting for coffee. But why should it be? The woman is still healthy. She has not been harmed. Sex is a natural process, so there is no emotional breakdown due to having sex. She has not been robbed of money. In short, everything is the same. It is only society which says that sex is something important, but that’s illogical. We cannot have laws based merely on what society thinks without any good reason.
Also, this notion of “cheating” is based on the unspoken assumption that sex is more important for a woman, than for a man. As if the man has robbed the woman of something. This has underlying notions of a woman’s purity, chastity, and a host of other problematic emotional structures that serve to degrade and harm woman.
So in short, verbal agreements have no force of law. The law should not care whether two people agreed to have coffee, or to have sex.
Finally i too get trapped by girlfriend, ( our Mutual agreement was to get Parents to Understand and give a chance to get Marry) whom i love sincerely and now she became villain in my life with her inconsistent behavior and blackmailing and almost put in gun(cases like Rape-Cheat-breach of marriage) on my head to get her marry else she ready to put me under bars.. why i refuse to marry is she almost inethically taking everything granted in me .. she will not feel good if i spend 2 hrs with my friends once in a week .. she not feel good on my thought to keep parents to be happy ( this was a only agenda which both were agreed before our relation was start) … my feeling is looks like i became an Bakra to her ..