Pretentious crap that pisses me off – 3 examples

Today I watched the last episode of an awesome series called “The Prisoner” (1967). I won’t tell you what it’s about, but it’s pretty mind bending and makes you think about new and interesting concepts. Unfortunately, as the series progressive, it becomes more and more “arty” and begins to stray into allegory. The finale called “Fall Out” turns out to be a total mess with the entire episode seeming like a disjointed nightmare. The worst of it was that this episode was hailed as a major accomplishment and a testament to the skills of the director.

Now let’s get one thing straight. I’m a barbarian. I like things to be straightforward and have a clear meaning. Movies should have good and interesting plots – otherwise they’re pretentious crap. Those who praise “Artistic” movies that rely on “style” and “technical accomplishment” should, in my opinion keep their views to themselves. And for good reasons. There are a class of people (I’m sure you’ve met them) who need to feel superior, and when they’re told that such and such a thing is “classic”, will harp on about it even if it bores them to death – perhaps because it bores them to death.

Image Credit: emurray

Here’s a powerful illustration of what I’m saying. You know how “sophisticated” people talk about wine? They’ll drone on and on about how each wine is unique and reflects the vineyard it came from. Then they’ll taste it and pretend to pass judgment on its quality and talk about its “history” etc. I’ve always itched to do a proper randomized double-blind test on these pretentious snobs who just want to look “cultured”. Well, we recently found out that the notion of “minerality” – being able to taste the soil of the wine is a complete and utter myth. And people have been believing this crap for centuries.

I can find similar examples of people claiming to be able to distinguish between good and bad art. There is no such thing as good art and bad art. If people didn’t know they were supposed to appreciate Van Gogh, almost everyone would say his paintings are childish and immature. But because they know it’s a Van Gogh painting, they’ll ooh and aah over it and find hidden mysteries that only their eyes can see. Coming back to movies, there are similar tides flowing here as well. Movies that are crappy as hell are praised by critics merely because they’re supposed to be praised. Once again, I would love a randomized double-blind test to be done to weed out these phonies.

Citizen Kane is one such overrated movie. The American Film Institute however, thinks it’s the greatest movie ever made and has repeatedly put it at the top of its list of best 100 movies of all time. The truth however, is that it’s one of the most mundane movies I’ve seen. And if a movie is boring, it deserves not to be seen. I’m throwing down a challenge to whoever reads this. Watch “Citizen Kane” and tell me if it’s interesting. I don’t care about how groundbreaking it was in 1941 and how much it’s affected film making since then. I want to know if you think you can stay riveted on the plot and whether or not you can bring yourself to give a shit about a boring rich man who says “Rosebud.”

How a movie can be called the greatest of all time when it’s like watching flies fuck (to borrow a quote from the immortal George Carlin) is something I can’t understand. Movie connoisseurs who cream their pants thinking of Citizen Kane feel that just because a boring movie introduced new techniques in 1941, it has a right to be called the greatest.

Next in line is 2001: A Space Odyssey. Another movie that’s as interesting as watching paint dry. Nothing happens until half an hour into the movie. We actually have 20 minutes of watching a space ship fly through space (and nothing else) with Beethoven Strauss music playing in the background. Mind, I enjoyed watching Kubrick’s “A Clockwork Orange” immensely. It has a plot. But A Space Odyssey is an exercise in frustration. The only reason I forced myself to watch it was because I was waiting for the supercool computer villain HAL 9000. But even that wasn’t enough to make up for the sheer boredom of the experience. And the ending is confusing as hell. You don’t know what happened!

Of course, we see the same trend in literature and poetry too, where snobbery is the norm and a means of showing superiority. It’s so pervasive and frustrating, that it’s more noble to take a stand on the opposite extreme. So here’s my message to the “sophisticated” ones: I’m a philistine. I don’t understand all the “arty” stuff. Give me movies and literature with proper plots, paintings that are easy to understand and don’t expect me to know better. I’m sure you don’t really understand either.