How well can two people get along?

I wonder if any two marriages are alike. Conversely, maybe all marriages are the same and differences lie in the state of the many variables. Purba’s post on the number of marital “truths” made me wonder – can we ever fully understand another person?

Living with someone is tough and I wonder if it’s ever easy for anyone. I don’t have much experience, so I don’t know if everyone feels this way. Can any two egos really get along well without perpetual misunderstanding? Many of us have had roommates in college and I can tell you first hand that after a while a certain amount of friction always develops. Even amongst roommates who share many interests. And a life partner is so much more than a room mate.

But I’ve learned something very important. There is no right and wrong. After numerous arguments in five years I know that each person does what they think is best under the given circumstances. We all have our reasons. Truly understanding and accepting another’s reasons is probably the most difficult exercise I’ve ever undertaken. Especially when those reasons work in a completely different paradigm from my own. But there’s a saying “Love is accepting each other for what we are.” And man that can be tough!

I love my wife which is important because without that, I doubt if anyone can have the strength to carry on with the struggle to accept and understand.

Understanding another person’s motivations is key. But can we every really understand them, or will we have to settle for just acceptance? To understand someone is to become them. And I don’t think that’s possible for us mortals. Perhaps someone like a psychiatrist could – someone who has infinite patience, training, interest and cooperation from the other person. But guys like me can only try imperfectly and every now and then the magnitude of that imperfection hits me hard.

Of course, this complexity is mirrored in the other person. They cannot entirely understand my motivations either. They too have trouble accepting my priorities and the way I think and act.

But who said it would be easy right? I guess the trick is to maintain a sense of perspective throughout. Perspective that we’re in this for the long haul. Perspective that there’s no “ideal” marriage anywhere. Perhaps most importantly I realize that one is not helpless. Every moment is a decision which is ours alone. We and we alone are responsible for our current state. Of course, many times we have a choice between two evils, but we do have a choice. And the world doesn’t owe us a happy existence. One can’t feel “cheated” out of the life one was “supposed to have.”

We always try and maximize our self interest. So do we have the right to whine about a situation which we can walk away from whenever we choose? By staying on, are we not implicitly saying that we get the most happiness out of where we are now? Perhaps it’s as simple as that. Perhaps not…