I was reading an article the other day titled something like “Why you should hold onto a grudge”. Apparently the author’s point was that sometimes holding onto rancor is beneficial. Why? Because forgiving someone too easily, encourages them to make the same mistake again. It cited empirical data which showed that something like half of those who were readily forgiven repeated the very same behavior a short time later.
Conclusion? Hold on to those hateful feelings!
Now I don’t know about you, but I find it very emotionally stressful to continue holding resentment close to my heart. The number of times my wife and I have fought, would be enough – if I were to so choose – to fuel a lifetime of grudges. Instead, I find the “forgive and forget” attitude much more beneficial. However, it is indeed true that sometimes I would have benefited had not forgiven so easily. In fact, this attitude of mine puts me at a great disadvantage! I’ve often felt that such battles are won by the person who has the greater capacity for holding onto their anger.
What does this mean? Does it indicate a weak sense of will on my part? Perhaps it merely indicates that I’m unwilling to put up with discomfort for a prolonged period of time and that I find my peace of mind too valuable to waste. Whatever the practical disadvantages, I feel that the state of mind which exists in a person who easily forgives is in general more relaxed than a person who does not.
Sometimes however, I can hold a grudge by forgetting about the other person entirely. As long as they don’t come near me, have contact with me, or affect my life in any way, I can just wipe them out of my private existence. But being constantly exposed to such individuals is extremely taxing on my physiology.
My blood pressure rises, I can almost feel my adrenaline glands pumping out their enervating essences, my heart rate increases, and my breathing is uneven. This isn’t a state which can continue for long, and I don’t believe it’s healthy either. How fortunate for me therefore, that I’m able to live a lifestyle where I have almost complete control over whom I meet and choose to interact with! It means that my primary task is to maintain a state of harmony with my wife. Everyone else is inconsequential.
I crave a peaceful life. Not everyone does. I must be one of the few persons in this world who is living a life almost in complete harmony with their character. But what about others? How do they handle the necessity of exposing themselves to people whom they dislike, or hold a grudge against? Perhaps they’re able to “box away” their feelings when the time comes to interact with these people. Some survival mechanism is surely necessary. Or perhaps it’s just not too much of a big deal for most. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive.
Either way, I’m pretty grateful for the way things are :) . What about you?
Happy are those who can let go of grudges and live a peaceful life! Considering that it is easier for humans to wallow in misery over perceived or actual wrongs done to us, I feel that those who are able to forgive and move on are the more courageous and strong willed ones! But I suppose it depends upon the Personality Type and patience level of the individual.
I too follow the defense mechanism of moving away from people or situations I do not like, rather than ‘adjusting’ and cursing them under my breath the whole time. Saves a lot of my mental energy albeit with fewer ‘friends’ on Facebook!
In reply to Mandooka
Glad to know that we are the strong-willed ones!
In reply to bhagwad
I won’t call all those who move on as strong-willed though.
I am very very slow to anger, in fact most times (you can say always) I don’t feel anger, just a sense of disappointment which makes me silent, the next step is withdrawal (even if they b e the closest members of the family). BUT… the odd times I do get angry, well it just does not go away for quite some time ;) You can say I fall in the category of what you referred to as “person who has the greater capacity for holding on to their anger” in such instances. :)
I am also prone to hyperventilation like you mention, while coming across people I dislike. But ‘boxing away’ feelings helps :) Over time I learnt another trick, ignore and if forced to deal with them, make it to the point and minimum and ‘act as if nothing has happened’. It drives them nuts! ;) Yeah, I have learnt to have a little fun at their expense! :lol:
In reply to Shail
What about fights with a spouse? Many of the rules which apply to outsiders would be impractical/undesirable with a person you’re very close to. Do you believe that people who are very intimate with each other should give up playing games and just “talk it all out”?
In reply to bhagwad
1. One can never fully see things from the other’s PoV even if they try, so the matter of forgiving and forgetting can be quite complex. there is often no single “right” answer in these situations. Its a grading on a number scale of several independent variables, you and your spouse will come in at different ratings on most of these variables.
This attitude is more helpful because when you take the “i’m being so forgiving” attitude it assumes you are giving up X for nothing (or much less than X) in return. If you really are having so many fights with your spouse you can try listing it out this way:
I’m giving up X. She’s giving up Y.
Value I attach to X: V1
Value she attaches to X: V2 (obviously very different from V1)
Value I attach to Y, that she attaches to Y, so on and so forth.
but I agree with you generally and with IHM above. Just plain talking is overrated. You cannot really “talk it out” unless both of you are ready to “give” a bit.
2. This post got me thinking of the various ppl we need to or try to keep happy and I came up with following list in decreasing rank. You are lucky to seemingly have only the first entry in this list to worry about :-)
1. Spouse
2. Boss
3. Kid(s)
4. Parents
5. Coworkers
6. Friends
7. In-laws
8. Neighbours
9. Relatives
10. Local community
thanks
Jai
In reply to Jai_C
you’re right – sometimes it seems the best you can hope for is a “agreed to disagree” compromise. This probably happens precisely because of the difference in perceived values for the two people involved. And yes, the “giving” bit is crucially important.
Looking at your list makes me realize just how lucky I am!
In reply to bhagwad
Yes! I don’t believe in playing games at all, especially with people you are close to. I feel anything and everything can be talked about and solved in the most amicable manner. Differences can be stated without animosity and accepted. But that is me. I find the world thinks otherwise. I have been tearing my hair out over this ALL my life and slowly became the person I am now. But I still strongly hold the belief I do. The problem is, my way of thinking can turn to reality only if others too think and feel the same way!
In reply to Shail
I feel that way too. In fact, I also believe that everyone has reasons for they feel and how they act. This means that everyone is doing what they think is right. If we could only sit down and discuss everything without hostility, we could understand the other person’s motivations and that way all grudges could be peacefully resolved!
I think it is okay to forget or ignore and live in peace.
Unless something requires immediate attention (like need for response in the form of revenge!) or there is a change in what caused the grudge (like genuine repentance, or amends being made) – it’s not a good idea to forgive – because one risks being exposed to the same grudge-inducing action again. Weakness and weak-will should not be passed off as forgiveness, and anyway forgiveness is misunderstood and overrated I think :)
In reply to indianhomemaker
I suppose if I had children, I might learn to deliberately hold on to my anger for their sake so that they learn their lesson properly. But otherwise, holding to resentment ends up hurting myself! Moreover, I find it difficult to adopt the “I’ll teach them a lesson!” attitude with adults. It sounds so… childish.
Hi Bhagwad,
You have been nominated for the Christmas Blogging Award.
Take a look :
http://www.smilewidabha.com/2011/12/christmas-blogging-award.html
:) , your post reminded me of a chapter on Altruistic behaviour in Richard Dawkin’s book – The Selfish Gene. He divided societal( could be birds, animals, humans..) structure into ‘cheaters’, ‘suckers’ and ‘grudgers’ .
Cheaters always try to cheat on in their part of the deal, suckers forgive and forget quickly and get cheated time & time again , the grudgers forgive but do not forget… so you can cheat them once but only that once. And who will survive depending on the composition of a population.
In reply to bjigya
I think I can draw a difference between forgiving and forgetting. I forget pretty easily… but I try not to forget. This might reduce the number of times I get cheated repeatedly :-)
Hey!
Don’t we ask God to forgive us our tresspasses?
Why should we not forgive?
Regards
GV
In reply to G Vishwanath
Well at least with God there’s a certain amount of fear mixed in – after all, it is not satisfied with our repentance, he can send us to hell!
That picture of the woman with that nasty expression on her face reminds me of a great Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strip episode.
I’ll leave the details for tomorrow.
It’s 11:30 pm
Good night
GV
In reply to G Vishwanath
Hey, I love Calvin and Hobbes! Do send the details :)
The way I see it, nobody holds a grudge because they love to. Everyone understands that holding grudges is emotionally very draining. It is also understood to be petty and childish, which is why you don’t meet too many people who freely admit to holding grudges ;-)
It is probably a disposition thing–the way some people are born with the gift of the gab while others are taciturn–the talkative types cannot become the quiet type, not for too long anyway, even if they tried and vice-versa. Likewise, if you are a grudger, your efforts to not hold grudges can only meet with limited success and vice-versa.
Also, the whole process of forgiving essentially requires a certain degree of forgetting. So it could be argued that non-grudgers are blessed with a shorter long-term memory, which makes it possible for them to gradually forget the details and lose the very basis of the grudge. In any case not being able to hold grudges is a happy condition to be in!
In reply to Scribblehappy
You know, I asked my wife this very question once. She said that she finds far less pain in holding onto a grudge than I do. Unfortunately this means that I’m more averse to conflict when she is – meaning she usually ends up getting the upper hand :(