As I was browsing the TOI today, I saw what looked like a harmless survey titled “Poll: Should consensual teen sex be treated as rape?” Since this is something I have very specific views about, I didn’t hesitate to click the link and give my opinion. What I saw however shocked me. It’s easily one of the most insensitive, illogical, and stupid polls I’ve ever come across. Having said that, the purpose of the poll is probably to judge the way people think. So the questions probably don’t reflect the views of the TOI in general. It does show however the bigoted and harmful way of thinking which is so prevalent in people’s minds today.
The poll wasn’t to judge whether or not underage consensual sex should be legalized, but to find out whether people believed that marriage was a way of excusing the act of rape. Four out of five questions related to whether or not a boy should be let off if he consented to marry the girl he just raped. Now I understand that this is merely a poll, but it still bothered me. The very idea that a man agreeing to marry the woman he raped somehow excuses this crime is offensive to me. It’s not difficult to understand why. But just to be clear, here are my reasons in no particular order.
1. It propagates the view that marriage is punishment
Our system of justice is predicated on a person facing negative consequences for a crime. This is why different kinds have varying prison sentences. The very worst crimes however received the death penalty. The message is clear – the more severe the crime, the more severe the punishment.
So what do you think it signifies when a judge, the courts, or even the law itself contemplate letting a rapist off if he “agrees” to marry the victim? It doesn’t take a genius to make the connection that marriage is viewed as a punishment for the man and as a “compensation” or “reward” for the victim. As if the sole aim of a woman’s life is to “trick” the guy into marriage and rape gives the perfect excuse!
2. A woman’s life is “ruined” after rape or sex
There are actually two problems here. One, it assumes that a woman’s marital prospects are entirely spoiled after she’s been raped, or she’s had sex. A corollary here is that every man is assumed to want a “virgin” bride for himself and the absence of virginity is a complete dealbreaker for him. Such a view is actually offensive to a man like me because it insults my intelligence and assumes that I’m a shallow and prejudiced individual.
The second problem is assuming that without marriage, a woman’s life is worthless. As if the sole aim and purpose of the existence of a human female is to attach themselves and “capture” an unsuspecting male by dangling the promise of their virginity in front of them. How can someone know that they think like this and not feel sickened? Or is it just that all of this thinking is below the surface and people are not really conscious about how they feel?
3. No one ever asks if the girl wants to marry her rapist!
To me, this is got to be the most outrageous assumption in this whole mess. Just look at the questions that are asked in the poll:
- Should it cease to be rape if the boy agrees to marry the girl?
- If the boy is underage and therefore cannot legally marry the girl, should he be booked for rape?
- Should the law agree that it is not rape if he swears that he will marry her at the age of 18?
Do you sense something blatantly wrong with these questions? None of them seem to pay any heed to the wishes of the girl in this matter. They all revolve around whether or not the guy agrees to accept the girl in marriage as a punishment for his crime. As if it’s a foregone conclusion that any woman who’s raped would jump at the opportunity to marry her rapist. It’s almost as if she was waiting for this! Waiting for some excuse – any excuse – to “trap” a man into marrying her and that she should be happy she got anyone at all.
4. If a man wants to marry a girl, he simply has to rape her!
This one is pretty self-explanatory. There’s no question that introducing rules providing a laxity in punishment if the man “agrees” to marry the woman cannot but encourage the rape of women by men who wish to marry her by force. This consequence is so clear to me, but I’m astounded how a newspaper like the TOI can even question people about these things.
I’m not a woman, but my blood boils at the implied assumptions underlying all of this. That people can have such a low opinion of both men and women – and by extension, myself – irritates me no end. What makes it even worse is when the law itself extends tacit support to this kind of primitive, medieval thinking.
There are a lot of people who feel that the law must reflect “society’s” views. This is simply untrue. The law is expected to strive towards the ideals enshrined in our Constitution. This is why homosexuality was decriminalized in India even though the majority of people didn’t like it. This is why the law doesn’t criminalize live-in relationships even though they face the overwhelming disapproval of that unthinking mass we call “society”. Whenever there is a conflict between the law and what the majority of people feel or think, the law must do what is right. In this case, there is no doubt whatsoever about what is right and what is wrong. Rape is a crime. Marriage is not a punishment. A woman is not an object to be bartered or sold off. And it is not the be-all and end-all of woman’s life to get married.
Mind you, I have no objection whatsoever if the victim and the rapist agree of their own free will to get married provided they’re both adults. What I object to is marriage as a substitute for punishment. So let the pair get married. But it shouldn’t mitigate the punishment or jail time in any manner whatsoever. The rapist still has to go to jail and he still has to pay for his crime – married or not.
Eep, I would not excuse TOI for publishing this stupid poll. They not only mentioned marriage as an option once but more than once. One gets the feeling they think there is some merit in the logic. Sometimes the questions in a poll can reveal the mindset of a questioner.
In reply to The Bride
I agree – I think the poll clearly reflects the bias of the person who thought it up.
I feel that sex itself is an aggressive act of domination and subordination at more than one level- the man is the one who takes charge of the will as well as the act, usually. But the imbalance might somehow buffer if the two partners have a real good emotional and physical bond and the woman enjoys the act.
Given this fact (as I take it), it seems to me that more than half the heterosexual couples are engaged in rape rather than sex. It might seem a blasphemous statement but having seen numerous ‘average’ couples in North India, including my parents and most relatives who had arranged marriages and husband and wife were just the parents of their children, never spoken or thought of as lovers or companions, I wonder if they had such a bond that the two would engage in anything like foreplay and the woman would have any opportunity to become more comfortable with the act. I would call it rape.
So it makes me wonder why ‘marital rape’ is so difficult to imagine.
But with what we call ‘rape’ in legal and other terms, ignoring the perspective I have taken, the act adds multitude of suffering apart from the physical one. Of course the physical suffering could be devastating!
I wonder what the courts would come up with in case of gang rapes- the woman should become Draupadi, to be shared by them all?
I want to conduct a survey as to what comes to womens’/ Girls’ mind if they are told to imagine themselves in this heinous scenario. It might be sadistic but since it has turned into a reality with so many, why not put ourselves into their shoes and just think about, maybe its then that we could shake ourselves out of the facade of utter ignorance that we prefer to put up, despite the harsh reality.
In reply to aditi
Interesting parallel between Draupadi and gang rape there!
So you don’t believe that the “average” woman enjoys sex?
@bhagwad
No, I don’t think she can. First, it would be a physical+ mental torture. Afterwards, it probably becomes a routine job to be done and gotten over with. I believe at least in most of India, the ‘ritual’ culture is so predominant that feelings, passion and most of all, intellect get subdued under the burden of school-job-marriage-children cycle, for the middle class and ‘making the two ends meet’ but still with the compulsion of marriage and children tags in the lower socio-economic classes. I have even witnessed my own female colleagues, the so-called younger generation, relating stories of how the husband goes ahead with his nightly ‘offloading’ even after bitter verbal fights leaving the wife totally frustrated, depressed or sometimes crying. At least I cant think of enjoying that act under such circumstances.
It must only be the strong and independent spirited ones who are able to rise above this ritualistic life and enjoy life like a feeling and thinking human.
Anyhow, I think my earlier reply was way off the main focus of the discussion as I must have been half-asleep.
I agree with your fantastic analysis of the hidden assumptions in such a ruling.
Everybody except the victim, even her own parents are so much bothered about the social considerations that none has a genuine concern about her physical and mental plight. To this day, our whole judicial machinery fails to understand the nature of this crime. Even the ‘normal’ biological processes a girl has to undergo through her life are so damn ‘abnormal’. Adding such shameful violence to the already violated body must definitely have disastrous consequences that none else can imagine. And to make such a mockery of this pathetic state, along with a plethora of other hurdles faced in ensuring ‘some legal action’ is more monsterous than the treatment of members of any marginalised section of the society.
the person who got raped should get to CHOOSE to marry rape victim… but what about same sex ¿rape? do you still marry if a boy rapes a ¿boy? or a girl rapes girl . . . the choice to make this a choice without the victim getting to choose to FUCKING MARREH THE DAM BASTARD. if they wont change the choice then men-women will get to marry whoever they want by rape. totally unfair for women .
Absolutely! Completely agree with #2,#3 & #4…. I doubt if anyone cares about #1 because that is the concern of women.It will be a punishment for the woman if she is forced to wed her rapist… (I don’t mean they shouldn’t care or that it is unimportant, but in the existing scenario, it certainly takes a backseat, which is why i think today’s laws are so unjust.If you have a different perspective,please do share).
One other reason this marriage of girl to her rapist is thought of as a valid judgement is that in the situation of a rape, violating of the right to freedom/ choice is not considered but rather, it is seen as ruining of the girl’s life.So this solution caters to the later issue and assumes that, by catering to this “social reality”, they are allowing woman to be accepted in the society and hence a fair judgement… (What the hell!)
#4, could lead to an atrocious consequence of this law…! It gives more power to men to dominate women.
Everyday, I find more suffocated to live in this country because of such stupid outdated laws,the medivial and feudalistic mindset of people.Honorable ‘X’ minister .. honorable this, that….
So Victorian aged our laws and systems are!