For the past few days, I have been looking out for a job that suits me. It’s quite a stumbling block, that I don’t know what to call what I do. The specialty that I have created for myself, is to take existing systems, and make them more efficient, usually using computers. Or, to create a system where none existed before.
But what is such a person called? My usefulness becomes readily apparent once I am IN the company, and then I quickly make myself indispensable. But how do I communicate this to the person who is considering me as a candidate? There must be professions that do what I do, but they’re usually populated by oldies, or youngies (is there such a word?) who have specific qualifications that I do not have. My art is self created, and not taught from outside.
Another problem that I have been facing, is that of salary. When I joined my older company, I asked for a paltry wage, which I hoped, would not require me to work as hard as other people who got paid more. Now, I find that people looking at my previous wage, devalue my work as not being good enough to pay well. And as such, I have issued getting the kind of good work that I do best.
Actually getting a job is not a problem. Pushed to it, I can get a job easily enough…but to get a job that suits me is a challenge. Luckily, I have some time to work things out.
The difficult part, is dealing with the impression within myself that I am unemployed. Somehow, inside me, there is a part of of society that has become part of myself, that gives me the stigma of being unemployed. And this tortures me. I have had some difficulty in identifying that this voice is not really me, but my superego, implanted in me by my father, whose voice it is. Now that I recognize it, I am trying to tell myself that I must be myself, and not be pushed on to feel guilty by an internalized authority. I wish to be self driven. And not by a force, even if it is inside me, that I do not consciously endorse. I am no slave.
I’ll never such a gosling, to obey instinct, but stand as if a man were author of himself, and knew no other kin – Coriolanus
It’s not easy at all. It bites away at my peace of mind, and at my free time. I must not allow myself to feel guilty. How did I even reach this stage? I used to be strong, with a will of iron. And now I am soft and weak. That was necessity perhaps since I was not fulfilled. Now that I am, does it excuse me from being as much of a man as I was then? My conscience keeps reminding me that I am a fraction of what I am capable of being. But how do I get back on track?
I’ll find a way. I have to. I must start afresh, and fight.
I hope you have found new employment that is right for you.
I have been unemployed from an IT technical post for three years. I had been pushed into a manager role for a few years and my technical skills had become out-of-date, so I couldn't go looking for a new job straight away. While revising my skills I took on major home improvement jobs around my house, some lasting several months. I began to think that, perhaps I could find a different career path. Like you, I wanted a job that is right for me, for my specific talents and skills. I wish I had known at the start how long I would be out of work… I would have signed up for a formal education course to get a qualification that would mean something in my job hunting. Unlike you, I am in my late 40s which, for an IT techie, is very old and I see this as the main problem to finding new employment.
I have days when I feel worthless. My wife is not sympathetic and I think my lack of a job is driving a wedge between us. The love seems all but gone. Sad. We have a 12 yr old son and he's the only thing keeping me alive, I think. I'd have ended it all by now, otherwise.
I still hope to find the right job. I'm trying to establish an identity on the web (Twitter and a blog) but it's very slow going. It seems a long shot, but it's all I can do for now. If I could die and it not be known that I did it, I would probably be gone within a few weeks. I wouldn't want my son to know his dad killed himself. It all seems so pointless. Everything.
I notice that this is an old post. But I relate to you and can understand that it can be a problem. Hopefully you’ve solved this situation now.
In reply to Harsh Vora
Yeah, things worked out really well for me. Thanks for checking in!
I can relate with what you’ve written – I went thru the same phase a few months ago. Glad to know things changed for you and that you’re in a better place now.