Time to ask some tough questions here.
I’d always thought that the US was further along in the battle for gender equalization. After all, they have gender neutral divorce laws, fair compensation for women executives, women are much more free to wear anything they like etc. So imagine my shock when one day I found out that many women in the US still have a problem if their husband or boyfriend earns less than them!
In a party comprised mostly of US men and women, the question was raised once about whether everyone was ok with the woman earning more than the man. Contrary to my expectations, every woman said that she would feel uncomfortable if her spouse earned less than her. While none of them minded working alongside their husbands, many of them said that they would like the option to quit their jobs if they wanted to in the secure knowledge that they would be supported.
The few men on the table on the other hand said that none of them were 100% comfortable with their wives or girlfriends earning more than them either. They said that no man would feel comfortable if this was the case. Mind you, this is the US. I definitely expected more maturity from this bunch. Guess I’m rudely disabused.
I earn less than half of what Anupa does and I have never felt uncomfortable about this. More power to her I say! Of course, our arrangement is that we keep our finances separate, our investments segregated and we split the household expenses equally. But still…can Anupa and I really be so different from everyone else in this regard? If so, it seems to be a spectacular coincidence that we found each other :)
Would either of us be comfortable if the other gave up their job? No. I can’t imagine her supporting me while I laze around doing nothing. Conversely, I can’t imagine supporting her if she voluntarily quits. We both have to pull our own weight. Of course if something happens like one of us gets paralyzed etc, then that’s a completely different situation altogether. We’re talking about voluntary and premature retirement.
So here are my questions to you guys out there, both men and women. Be honest – no judgments here. I genuinely want to understand what you think. There’s no pressure to come up with “politically correct” answers. We’re interested in the truth after all…
Assumption: No kids involved
For Women
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
For Men
Would you be ok with your wife/girlfriend earning more than you?
Would you be ok supporting a wife/girlfriend who didn’t work?
How would YOU feel about quitting your job and letting your wife/girlfriend support you?
Honest answers anyone?
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
Yes. As long as they are doing something useful, I don’t see the problem. I see someone above raised the issue of respect. All I have to say to that is if my partner has issues with my earning more and ceases to ‘respect’ me, then he can show himself the door.
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
If they lost their job, yes. If they quit their job, no. But again, it depends on why they are quitting work, but I think an equality of efforts in paying the bills is required.
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
I don’t think anyone has the freedom to stop working. And I don’t think anyone ever had either in the past. You always pay the price. Quite apart from that, I would be horrified to find myself in a dependent position.
In reply to Fem
Good point about equal effort in paying the bills. I don’t think that just “doing something useful” should be enough. One must try and pull one’s own weight after all no?
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
– Absolutely.
And I know Indian women, friends and acquaintances who are. They started small businesses or just chose a career where they went on getting promotions faster. Husbands share the house work, kids do too.
One friend’s husband wanted to give up his job and start something new, so she supported them while he stayed and home for a while.
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
This might depend on the reasons for quitting and our general financial situation, but in general if the reasons are like wanting to start something new (even if there is no income) etc there should be no problems.
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
A planned retirement, or working at something one is passionate about sounds like a good idea.
In reply to Indian Homemaker
Pretty cool examples IHM, all things considered and given the way most people think – even in the US. I’m beginning to wonder where the anomaly comes when educated and intelligent people get backward looking outlooks.
I’m not married, but have been with my girlfriend for almost ten years now. Our finances have become so intermeshed that I don’t think there’s any such feeling of one party having to earn more. I’d be uncomfortable living a life far beyond my salary simply because my wife earns much more. But, I’d get over it.
Now, to the topic of women wanting their mates to earn more—A few want this because they’re afraid of the fragile egos of many men in this regard. But I’m sure that to many this is just a cover. Women are evolutionarily and socially programmed to find a protector or a provider, or both. In civilized societies, protectors aren’t necessary, but still women, while ovulating, are more attracted to rugged-looking men than usual. The need for a provider is going away too, as more women are earning. Still, today, women are steered by peers and families towards successful men. The impetus for men is to find women who are better looking than them.
Heterosexual politics is complex.
In reply to Bharatwrites
To the best of my belief, the link between human male/female behavior and biology is rather sparse. I’m not really aware of any definitive studies done in this area – if you know of any, it would be great to have some reference…
I think the conditioning aspect is far more important in shaping our attitudes. I’ve noticed that human psychology is almost infinitely malleable, responding to the environment almost perfectly.
Anthony Little’s research deals with a lot of questions in this area. Here is the pubmed link to an article in Hormones and Behavior regarding female preferences for rugged males during ovulation as opposed to other menstrual phases.
Beyond the research, one can see the intuitive explanation for preferring a certain kind of male depending on economic and safety conditions. I agree that today the mind will trump the body in long-term decisions of whom to partner with, but the feral instincts that are the vestiges of our evolutionary past haven’t gone away.
In reply to Bharatwrites
This research actually contradicts the hypothesis. If a person wants to be cared for long term, then it’s preferable to be attracted to more “feminine” traits. The research itself suggests as much saying
“Cyclic preferences could influence women to select partners when most likely to become pregnant that possess traits that may be most likely to maximize their offspring’s quality via attraction to masculinity or serve to help acquire investment via attraction to femininity.”
There’s a (very) wide gap between observation and finding a theory that explains it all. And we must be careful not to think “intuitively” much of the time because the situation is too complex for the simple explanations that our brains prefer.
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
Not a problem, our financial choices (we go the joint route) would be the same (since I currently earn nothing and we treat all money as ‘ours’).
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
If he was writing a book, doing something charitable that we’ve prepared for, studying or otherwise personal value-add of some sort as a short-term sabbatical. Idle without something happening is space for undesirable thoughts/habits to creep in plus I believe everyone should contribute to something bigger than themselves always. So not if someone just going to quit and sit home just because!
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
As long as we plan for it and I have contributed to it adequately for my peace of mind – I take stop working to mean ‘stop working at a job solely for the money that is not my passion’. I am the type that will work at something until the last day, health permitting. So yes, the freedom to work at something I love, once we’ve both made a plan that won’t hinder other things that are also part of the whole – retirement, security, (for us, kids’ education), etc.
In reply to Sangitha
Good points. You’re consistent about your reactions regardless of who wants to stop earning :)
Hi, Honestly, it’s a matter of mental conditioning and human understanding . So what if your Wife / Girlfriend earns more or supports you. Men with super egos may find it hard. But practical ones won’t.
I am honest, I live this situation and neither I nor my wife suffer from any problem/hassle or tussle. May be … fruits of 32 years of marriage that has seen and survived ups and downs.
With warm regards and season’s greetings – K R Vaishampayan [alias-KRV]
In reply to K R Vaishampayan
I agree – I think that if you’re secure you won’t mind if your wife/girlfriend earns more than you.
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
That wont be a problem. But he shouldnt expect me to give up my main passion (travelling) which can be expensive.
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
I wouldnt like it (even if he saved enough to enjoy for a while). But in case of certain situations (like paralysis you mentioned) I hope my love will overcome bitterness (yes, im sure to feel bitter and angry and might even hate my spouse in bad moments)
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
Well… I wouldnt choose that freedom. I have 3 reasons for working. One, i love wht im doing. Two, if ws nt working people -parents relatives- would do bangda n my head expecting me to do as they say as im ‘under’ them. Three, independence is like a drug. you never stop craving and you always want more. And these reasons always stand.