Time to ask some tough questions here.
I’d always thought that the US was further along in the battle for gender equalization. After all, they have gender neutral divorce laws, fair compensation for women executives, women are much more free to wear anything they like etc. So imagine my shock when one day I found out that many women in the US still have a problem if their husband or boyfriend earns less than them!
In a party comprised mostly of US men and women, the question was raised once about whether everyone was ok with the woman earning more than the man. Contrary to my expectations, every woman said that she would feel uncomfortable if her spouse earned less than her. While none of them minded working alongside their husbands, many of them said that they would like the option to quit their jobs if they wanted to in the secure knowledge that they would be supported.
The few men on the table on the other hand said that none of them were 100% comfortable with their wives or girlfriends earning more than them either. They said that no man would feel comfortable if this was the case. Mind you, this is the US. I definitely expected more maturity from this bunch. Guess I’m rudely disabused.
I earn less than half of what Anupa does and I have never felt uncomfortable about this. More power to her I say! Of course, our arrangement is that we keep our finances separate, our investments segregated and we split the household expenses equally. But still…can Anupa and I really be so different from everyone else in this regard? If so, it seems to be a spectacular coincidence that we found each other :)
Would either of us be comfortable if the other gave up their job? No. I can’t imagine her supporting me while I laze around doing nothing. Conversely, I can’t imagine supporting her if she voluntarily quits. We both have to pull our own weight. Of course if something happens like one of us gets paralyzed etc, then that’s a completely different situation altogether. We’re talking about voluntary and premature retirement.
So here are my questions to you guys out there, both men and women. Be honest – no judgments here. I genuinely want to understand what you think. There’s no pressure to come up with “politically correct” answers. We’re interested in the truth after all…
Assumption: No kids involved
For Women
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
For Men
Would you be ok with your wife/girlfriend earning more than you?
Would you be ok supporting a wife/girlfriend who didn’t work?
How would YOU feel about quitting your job and letting your wife/girlfriend support you?
Honest answers anyone?
Would you be ok with your wife/girlfriend earning more than you?
I’d be lying if I said I have absolutely no problem with it, but if it happens, hey! More money!
Who can say no to that?! I mean it’ll sting a little, but the living more comfortable and having more options part will pacify/overcome that I think.
Would you be ok supporting a wife/girlfriend who didn’t work?
I’d be ok with supporting my wife/girlfriend who didn’t *earn*, but I’d have a problem with supporting someone how didn’t *work*
How would YOU feel about quitting your job and letting your wife/girlfriend support you?
Nope! Maybe between jobs is ok, but long term, big NOPE!
In reply to Abhilash Bingi
Thanks Abhilash :)
What about if you quit earning, but were still working – like how you wouldn’t mind supporting her if she worked but didn’t earn. Would you mind that?
In reply to bhagwad
If we both think we’ll be comfortable with what she’s earning, then I wouldn’t mind.
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
—–Under the present reality of my life, No. If the situation was different, if I earned say, more than what my husband does in a year under the present economic conditions, or I hit a lottery of a billion dollars then I wouldnt mind if my husband earned less or didnt work to earn(I would still want him to do something that will keep him growing, learning, no sitting around doing nothing). The deal is that we have a good life within the realities of Now.
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
—–Not presently. The same conditions as the answer to the first question, holds.
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
—–It would depend on the circumstance for me, if its about having children, increasing our family or looking after our parents, I would like to have the freedom to stop working to do that, but otherwise, if we had enough to take care of our needs and to put away some for later years, I would stop working for Money but I would still do some work.
In reply to Mysoul
Let’s say you don’t have a billion dollars. Rather, your earnings and your husband’s earnings were switched around. Same income flow as of right now, but the contributions from you and him are reversed. Would you be ok with that?
In reply to bhagwad
Yes, I would be.
1st : a bone to pick : Why are the 3rd questions different for men & women?
To answer the questions..
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
Very much. As long as his income supports his current lifestyle on its own strength.
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
Yes, if it was to pursue some passion of his & we can still have a comfortable lifestyle with just my salary.
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
‘Should’ I? Nope. ‘would I like it?’ Of course – but only if what would sustain me after I quit is my savings and not a partner working his ass off to be able to give me that freedom.
How would YOU feel about quitting your job and letting your partner support you?
For a short while – ok. For life – very uncomfortable, whatever be the rationality behind the move.
In reply to Conjecture Girl
I think the questions are in a different order, otherwise they’re the same no? I initially had the men/women questions mixed up, then decided to separate them via copy paste, so that might have led to the random ordering :)
Nice responses CG :) .
In reply to bhagwad
The questions are the same except for the implication. That the freedom to stop working is generally for women & that men don’t even consider themselves quitting their job & letting their partner support them. Both are very much true, but we don’t want to reinforce stereotypes, do we? :)
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
Honestly, no. Because I come across men everyday who at some point, simply can’t handle the fact that their woman earns more than them – which leads to fights, tension, breakups, etc. I know for a fact that my man won’t be able to deal with my earning more than him, this does not mean I’ll step back in my career, just that he might have to work harder.
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
This sounds contradictory to my answer above, but if he is fine with me supporting him, yes (though I’m certain this will NEVER happen). But as long as he is doing *something*. Starting something on his own, taking care of kids, charity work, saving the world, etc. He doesn’t have to earn, but he has to do something.
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
Circumstantial. I do want to take some time off when I have children, to be around them, and take care of them. Once they’re off to school, I’d still want to work. Not sure about the earning part, but I can’t imagine sitting around at home doing nothing.
In reply to Agratha
Do you feel that it’s an inherent quality in men that they can’t bear earning less than their wives/girlfriends? Or is it something that they’ve been taught or conditioned to believe in?
Same with women?
In reply to bhagwad
I think it’s something that they’re conditioned to believe in. Society emphasis on the man being the provider and the woman being the nurturer. Most men, therefore, feel obliged to earn enough to take care of their woman, and if they don’t do so, they might think they’re not doing their ‘manly’ duties.
If men didn’t have to be so conditioned about this, I don’t think women really mind earning more than their partners. As we’ve seen many relationships fall out because of this, we’re not comfortable with it (or don’t want to take that risk). Otherwise, name one woman who would complain about earning shitloads of money! :)
In reply to Agratha
Women in this group I talked about for example opined that unless a man earned more than them, they couldn’t “respect” him. Or words to that effect.
Do you find that to be a very common theme?
In reply to bhagwad
Maybe earning more than one’s partner makes you feel like you’ve earned the prerogative the call the shots or take the other for granted. I’ve heard a female friend say that to me as well. It gives you a certain power (and more so, to the woman, for she having felt oppressed her entire life) that makes you feel you can run things around all by yourself. It’s not about respecting the partner any less, but about feeling strongly independent that comes with the privilege of earning more.
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
I would be okay with it, as long as he contributing in some way, both financially and domestically I’d be fine with it.
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
For me it depends upon the circumstances, I wouldn’t be okay with supporting him if he’s hanging around at home not doing anything. If he was in school or lost his job and just generally fell on hard times, I’d be fine with it.
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
Hmmm….well I don’t really think that’s fair, if I had a job and was contributing and decided to quit that job and expect him to support me, it just doesn’t seem right. I don’t care how much one believes in traditional gender roles. Then again, that would also depend upon the circumstances, like if we had children and I wanted to take some maternity leave. That would be a different situation entirely.
In reply to RenKiss
Yeah – we’re assuming no kids etc. Looks like most people here don’t subscribe to the traditional gender roles…
Need input from some more men though!
In reply to bhagwad
Oh yeah, without kids. :P I don’t feel I should quit my job at anytime and expect my partner to start supporting me. Thanks for fixing my post. ;P Yeah I want to hear from men too.
First, I am full of info from this pregnancy book (I am NOT pregnant, do not ask me why I am reading this book) which looks at various research, a lot of evolutionary biology and genetics. One of the studies on what role the mother plays in determining the sex of the child (I will not go into how this is possible) showed that women who marry billionaires tend to have sons. Anyway, the point is that there might be some evolutionary basis for the whole thing so that we are genetically predisposed to be attracted to men who are breadwinners, much as I would like to disbelieve it. These gene expressions seem to be influenced by environment and so related to famines etc. Also, they found that this is not the case in strong-minded modern women who are generally high achievers in their careers… as these women seem to be less dependent on the idea of a male breadwinner. Not sure I’ve explained it properly so please don’t cross-question me on this. My point is that there just may be a genetic basis but it’s one that can be changed.
That said, I believe social conditioning has a greater role to play and the gender dynamic of male breadwinner- female homemaker (even if the female goes out to work) is fairly the same in the US. So I’m not surprised. If nothing else, Hollywood reflects this. Mr Big anyone?
Now to the questions:
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
My husband proposes very soon to earn less than me (or nothing at all). He wants to retire at 40. I want to keep working. He hopes to have finances in order than enable this. He wants to just be a layabout at home. Or to start some business. Maybe. Or tinker with a hobby. But yeah, he won’t have a job that he can say he does when asked that inevitable question at parties..
I will admit that when he first proposed the idea, I was not sure how to react. Apart from the fact that the financial aspect worries me, the man I fell in love with was a career-oriented go-getter. He was kind of Mr. Big. How would our sexual dynamic play out once he was Mr. Organic Farmer and Homebody?
But when I thought about it rationally, I can only encourage him in his dream and yeah, I will have to adjust to the idea that my partner is no longer Mr. Hotshot Banker but well, we have both changed over time and will continue to and there are many other things I love about him.
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
If there was a good reason, yes. But otherwise no. And neither is my husband okay with giving me a free ticket .
However, I do know some people – mainly men – who are okay with supporting their partner just following their passion and not bringing in an income. A lot of this is socially-conditioned. Like their logic – I would like to give my loved on freedom in life – is gender-neutral but in actual fact, it seems to apply only to one gender. Which I think is unfair. What I mean is I know far more men okay with their wives giving up their jobs than vice versa.
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
Well, if one can support oneself and not be mooching off someone else, including one’s spouse, why not? Very few people have this luxury though.
In reply to The Bride
What’s the name of this book you’re reading? I can check out some of the claims presented…
In reply to bhagwad
It’s called “Do Chocolate Lovers Have Sweeter Babies” by Jena Pincott…actually there is a glossary at the end linking back to every bit of research that she cites so if one can get one’s hands on the original academic paper one would be able to form a clearer judgement. I don’t specifically want to cross-check; just thought it was an interesting idea. Overall, it’s an interesting read, presenting a lot of scientific findings in an interesting way, and touching on genetics and epigenetics, though geared towards pregnant women.
Personally, if I am bringing in enough income to pull our family through, I have no issues with my husband quitting his job. My husband has expressed many times that he would really like it if he were the one staying back at home and taking care of kids and running the household.
Money for me is just a tool to get me a more pleasant life. I do not covet money itself and as long as I have enough, I dont care who brings it in.
About freedom to stop working, freedom comes with responsibilities. If you can pull yourself through, then why not? But otherwise, it is something that needs to be thought out – about what are your and your family’s needs are if you are unfairly pushing it on another person.
In reply to Meghana
Yeah – I guess it’s important to ensure that your choices don’t financially impact the other person unfairly.
About considering not earning a free ticket, I look at it more as an expensive gift. If it is a gift my partner really really wants and some day I can afford, then I can give it to him! Not working would be my gift to him.
We can’t say what is happening in their mind.
Would you be comfortable if your husband/boyfriend earned less than you?
it was not a problem, we experienced it a year back, when i shifted to new company, my package was more than my husbands, we didnt have any problem.
Are you ok with supporting your partner if they quit their job?
i dont think i will be comfortable. we mange our finances independently with our own salaries. we don’t question with how much, who did what. after this independence, i dont think dependability and commitment to my salary can be adjusted.
Do you feel you should have the freedom to stop working whenever you want to?
cant say.. when i have told that i cant support my partner, i cant expect him to support me also.. if i have enough savings, i can quit for some time and return back to work. i did that when my daughter was born. straight one year break, without asking my husband to support me or asking him to pay my bills.
In reply to ashreyamom
I agree – once you’ve tasted financial independence, it’s very difficult to adjust to the idea of going backwards.