Criminalizing marital rape is a no brainer. There’s no need for even the phrase “marital rape” to exist. We don’t have “marital murder” after all. It’s just murder. The relationship of the victim to the perpetrator is completely irrelevant. Son, daughter, husband, wife…these are all irrelevant. And yet…so many people seem to be against the very concept that a man can rape his wife. Even the government doesn’t think so. They think it’s not “genuine” rape. Why not? The definition of rape is “sex without consent”. How does the marital status enter the equation?
There are a few main lines of argument used against the idea of marital rape. First, that there’s no way to prove that it happened. While it’s true that there can difficulty collecting evidence, this is a red herring. Start by defining the crime, then we’ll think about how it should be proved. As of now, a man can openly claim in public that he violently rapes his wife all the time and the law cannot touch him! That is the problem.
Second, people say that when a woman gets married she agrees to have lifelong sex with her husband. That’s bullshit. A woman is not a personal sex slave. She will have sex with her husband if and when she feels like it. A wife is not a prostitute to whom a man pays money and gets to have sex with whenever he wants. If the man feels that his wife is not sexually active enough, he is more than welcome to sit down with her and talk about the problem and if nothing else works, apply for divorce. If he tries to force himself on her he is a criminal plain and simple regardless of what the shocking laws say. Sometimes the legal system is an ass and deserves to be ridiculed. This is one example.
Third, the government feels that the introduction of marital rape laws will “destroy marriage”. Let me point out that the government has no Constitutional mandate to protect marriage. It does however have the duty to protect the rights of its citizens! Which is more important?
Many are afraid that laws addressing marital rape will be abused by women much like the anti dowry one- section 498A. There is good reason to be concerned about this. But the solution is to have well drafted laws that are less amenable to abuse. Not to forgo the very idea of a legislation itself! We can shift far more of the burden of proof onto the person making the accusation for example because in a marriage, consent is presumed unless stated otherwise. I’m sure there are other legal safeguards we can come up with. But not having a law is unacceptable.
The true motive behind the opposition to marital rape might just be the resistance to a woman’s sexual autonomy. Men and even women are brought up with the idea that marriage is a license to have sex whenever the man wants. And that by refusing it, the woman is not doing her “duty”. Implicit in this line of reasoning is the notion that sex is not something that women enjoy. That they only do it for children and after that they don’t want it anymore. Instituting the idea of marital rape raises the specter of a man going for long periods without sex even though he’s married! I mean what’s the point then, right?
I now understand what the government meant when it said they were “protecting marriage”. What they they’re defending is not marriage per se, but the warped idea of marriage that Indians have. For them, marriage is just a license to have socially accepted sex. Allowing women to say “no” takes that away from them. In the future, they might *gasp* actually have to try and be nice to the woman, make her feel wanted, and be romantic. You can’t treat her like dirt and still exercise a god given right to use her body when you want.
And that sense of entitlement is probably the true reason for this resistance.
http://americanbedu.com/2013/02/04/saudi-arabia-the-father-gets-no-punishment/
Thank you Mr Bhagwad. I appreciate that being a Man, you could think of this. your wife is very lucky to get such a considerate husband.Best wishes.
You are right.A rapist is a rapist . In fact if the rapist is husband,he should be punished more severely as he is also betraying trust.I suggest, all marital rape cases should be punished with death.not even life imprisonment.
And why this nonsense of proof/misuse etc.all this ranting is mere excuse.In Indian context,it is well understood that wife’s testimony is enough
In reply to Swarna
We should have a fair system of ascertaining the facts. The wife’s testimony should certainly be a factor but I don’t think it should be the only one.
Way back i had heard a sexologist proclaim in a show that it is the MAN’s job to seduce his woman so she wil concede naturally not on the pretext of marital rules and regulations…..surely not by commanding or demanding submission to his whim….unfortunately most men are not aware of this fact…..or rather do not want to accept ths fr a fact…!!! A woman wd concede to HER MAN only out of LOVE, RESPECT and TRUST.!!! And all three factors have to be MUTUAL..!!! When either of the 3 factors wobble, it becomes a compulsion on her or an act performed more out of fear of repercussions….amounting to marital rape..!!! As it becomes compulsory to remain trustworthy, respectable, and Lovable for a Man to have consensual sex in marriage through out…..which is where men lose out most often and make laws to come to their rescue to support their chauvinistic male ego …!!! No law of any land can pressurize any person to love somebody or hate some body by force….!!!! it is better they implement this law against marital rape…..so that the real value of marriage is realized in future generations to come…!!!
In reply to Suneetha sudarshan
Yes Suneetha. It is Love, Respect and Trust that endear husband and wife to each other. When these are missing sex becomes meaningless….
Many men dont realize this; they say that they know not what love is; they only know what sex is….
Sex then, under these conditions, amounts to marital rape but only if the wife objects either verbally or physically . If she does not object either verbally or physically, how is the man to know that she doesnt want it ? Sometimes women dont really want sex but want to give their husbands sex to make them happy. This is a part of the nature of many women. Their happiness lies in bringing happiness to others. It is a wonderful quality. But sadly it is THIS VERY QUALITY that is taken advantage of by many men and women are exploited because of it.
In reply to Suneetha sudarshan
(A woman wd concede to HER MAN only out of LOVE, RESPECT and TRUST)
What is this bloody ‘concede’ business again.the sexologist could again be a male…a typical patriarch mindset.why cant the woman be equal …instead of ‘conceeding’.Men will not change …and somen women like you also agree…age old habits dont go away.
i am compelled to quote from ” The Fakir ” by Ruzbeh Bharuch to elucidate what ” marital rape ‘ is all about
” A man may kill or rape somebody.What does it mean ? That he or she has succommed to anger or lust. A man may wake up his wife every night and force her to have sex. She may be tired or not in the frame of mind or just sleepy, but he makes sure that he gets to indulge in lust and sex. So you have a rapist who indulges in sex and lust and you have a husband who does the same. The rapist does so once and the husband does so every night or virtually every night.According to the world the rapist should be hanged.Even the wives will feel the same. The husbands will feel the same. What do you think the spirit world feels, beta ? Hang and damn the man who has once slipped and fallen or indulged. And a perfect three bedroom , hall kitchen cottage for the husband who hasnt slept with another woman but has forced himself on his wife every night for thirty years. Tell me beta, what do you think ? I am not condoning a killer or rapist but i am not condoning the husband either. Imagine a rapist and a man who has almost every night forced his wife into having sex with him are standing in front of their Master. They both have the same Master and they are now in the spirit plane. So you think the Master is going to tell the man ” great going … all you did was virtually every night wake your exhausted wife whether she was well or not, in the frame of mind or not, willing or not, you had sex with her, but yes,nobody but her, while this poor son of a bitch indulged in lust with a stranger once in his life and the sod was unfortunate enough to get caught ? You think this is how heaven sees things ? No beta. For us, its all about lust and intention etc etc ….. “
In reply to tp
If there was no physical force or threats of physical force (implied or explicit), then it wasn’t really “forced” at all. In this case the husband may be an idiot and a jerk but not a criminal.
Physical force is the only criteria used for judgement.
In reply to bhagwad
The act of sex that culminates in intercourse is itself ” physical force “. The man is stronger and heavier than a woman and a woman who is already tired or in no mood for it finds it easier to give in than resist and face the consequences…
In reply to tp
What are these “consequences”? If the consequences are physical then it’s rape. If the consequences are emotional it’s not rape.
In reply to bhagwad
The consequences COULD be physical. One can never tell at the time. How can it be rape if an event ( physical abuse ) has not taken place; we presume that there is a chance that it may occur; but it may not.
Fearing the consequences ( either physical or emotional abuse ) and therefore giving in is irrelevant. The fact is that the woman has not protested.
In reply to tp
If there is even the slightest fear of physical violence, then it is rape. Just like threatening someone with bodily harm is illegal, if there is even the smallest implicit threat of violence, then it’s classified as rape.
While I agree with most of what you’ve said, this is the part that made me uncomfortable:
“A wife is not a prostitute to whom a man pays money and gets to have sex with whenever he wants.”
A sex worker is also NOT someone a man (or woman) can pay and expect sex from, at any given time. She must also give consent, explicitly, and continuously. Just because she is paid does not mean she has given blanket consent. If she wants to stop, she can demand that her partner stop, and if he (or she) doesn’t, that is also rape.
In reply to Star
I agree. Let’s just say that a sex worker can withhold consent and the customer can be released from the obligation of payment.
The husband will say that it was only his wife’s PERCEPTION that he might turn violent and that he would have never physically abused her and he didnt.It is a valid point and difficult to prove otherwise
WORSE is the threat of mental, verbal and emotional abuse which deeply violates self respect and sensitivities. It causes indescribable anguish. It leaves no physical scars so it is difficult to prove but medical and biological experts know about the serious effects it causes to the body due to the release of hormones especially cortisol. I know that you still do not understand this aspect; but that does not matter; because, just because it is not understood it does not mean that it it is not so But lets not get into that again because this point has already been discussed threadbare…
You’re grossly blowing this out of proportion and you’re asking for a change that wouldn’t even get the results you want. First off nobody can go around saying “I violently rape my wife” without doing some serious time. Domestic violence isn’t tolerated, especialy toward woman and even the slightest scratch or bruise is enough to have a man hauled to jail in the first place. Not to mention after the fact the victim will be collecting all assets and parental rights after the divorce.
The current system would need a lot of revamping before even considering a bill like this. All a bill like this would do, is give liscense to a person to cry rape and take the house, car, retirement fund, and the kids away too. It CERTAINLY won’t be putting more abusive husbands in jail.
I’m not saying your moral philosphy is wrong at all. I agree that rape is rape, but a law like this is asking for some serious trouble, without actually solving anything at all. Abusers still get jailed and if the ammount of time isn’t enough, consider the fact that they’ll be handed all the attackers wealth. making marital rape a crime just means that the “victim” can have a bad day and say “he raped me… prove i’m wrong now”.
In reply to Ryan
“First off nobody can go around saying “I violently rape my wife” without doing some serious time.”
This is about Indian laws. Marital rape is not a crime in India.
Besides, no one ever said the burden of proof would be on the spouse.
In reply to bhagwad
I kind of feel like a bonehead for missing that this was about India… My sincere appologies, I shouldn’t have missed that to begin with.
So what happens in India when a man does go around saying that he “violently rapes his wife”? Theres not even some kind of domestic assault charge or anything? I’m assuming they get nothing in a divorce too?
In reply to Ryan
No issues :)
Domestic violence laws exist but of course they’re not as much of a deterrent as rape laws. The punishments are much lower…
Divorce laws are becoming quite favorable to women these days – perhaps a bit overly so. The problem is that most women in India don’t view divorce as an option due to social stigma etc :(
Yeah it’s the exact same thing here in China too. There’s a huge stigma about breaking off a marriage even under some pretty heavy circumstances. And they finaly started changing some laws to protect the woman because up until recently the woman would get nothing in a divorce at all. The laws are even worse here to be honest.
But wouldn’t harsher punishments for domestic violence be more appropriate? After all that’s something far easier to prove, and has a lot more substance. It’s a little too easy to make phony rape charges I would think, and far more difficult to prove too. And if the divorce laws are anything like America it seems too rewarding to break off a marriage if you have the sort of interest.
Again though I morally agree 100%. I shouldn’t have said anything to begin with because I know nothing about Indian laws. But it just seems like another alternative would be more effective, and good for all parties… But like I said at this point that’s just me guessing.
In reply to Ryan
The thing is that Indian men have this huge sense of entitlement towards their wives. Having marital rape laws on the books even if it’s very difficult to actually prove would strip them of that arrogance and bring them down a bit.
Believe it or not, some men need to be told that it’s not ok to rape your wife. I want at least the law to be on the books. We can institute protections, put the burden on the complainant etc. But the law should tell people what is acceptable and what is not…we can discuss evidence after that.
I’m increasingly becoming convinced that this is one of the key issues that will have a real impact on the way men treat women in this country.
In reply to bhagwad
I think in culture where woman are veiwed that way, then the only real way to change the culture would be by making it against the law. Thus like you said letting them know that it’s not okay to do that.
Thanks for the new perspective. It’s a conversation I never would have partook in if I had paid attention to begin with but I’m glad I did now.
why is it shocking when you say “for them marriage is just a license to have socially accepted sex”??
In reply to Anjai
Probably because marriage is supposed to be about love and respect…sex is a side effect of that. Not a primary purpose.
In reply to bhagwad
I just noticed somewhere on another blog where you commented that :- “marriage is just a contract. It doesn’t imply sex, or even love.” (https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2013/03/12/instituting-the-idea-of-marital-rape-raises-the-specter-of-a-man-going-for-long-periods-without-sex-even-though-hes-married/#comment-173350)
“Love, trust etc are the common terms. But those are not necessary.
In short, marriage means almost nothing.” (https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2013/03/12/instituting-the-idea-of-marital-rape-raises-the-specter-of-a-man-going-for-long-periods-without-sex-even-though-hes-married/#comment-173508)
But here you said :- “marriage is supposed to be about love and respect…sex is a side effect of that.”.
Are there two of you ? Or are you the same guy who made these comments ?
In reply to Purple Cloud
I meant that it’s just an ideal situation. It’s not legally required.
Lol. It’s so funny the way you stalk me everywhere – quite flattering!
In reply to bhagwad
Purple Cloud…I am sure you’ve heard of “Convenience”…it works great all the time!!! :D
In reply to anjali
anjali, sure I’ve heard of “Convenience” before. Don’t we see it being used endlessly here on this blog! :D
bhagwad, I’m actually extremely amused by your articles and even more so by your comments here. I’m absolutely not being sarcastic but it is real fun to read from you. If you feel flattered by my interest I’m only too happy to oblige. Please continue with the entertainment.