5 reasons why I won’t tip you if you’re a waiter

It never fails to shock me how a tip is demanded in the US. People simply refuse to listen to reason when we (yes, there are others!) tell them that leaving a tip isn’t necessary. Well, I’m hoping for too much here, but if you’re a waiter, here are 5 reasons why I will try my best not to give any money to you and why the reasons for tipping are crappy.

1. You act as if you’re my best friend

Just leave me alone ok? I don’t want to bloody chit chat with you. I want food. FOOD! Get it? It’s a restaurant. I go there to eat. I go because I want either Italian food, Chinese Food or something else which I can’t get in a McDonald’s. So I come to a restaurant to fulfill my cravings for it. I will pay for what I value – food. Not you.

Christ, you offend me – kneeling down next to my table, pretending to like me and chatting as if you’re my best friend when it’s obvious that all you’re after is the tip! I’m not a bloody money bag you know. I will pay the bill which includes the cost of the food, the environment and the salaries of the people involved – nothing more.

The only way to get money out of me that I don’t have to legally pay is by prying it out of my cold dead hands…

Bottom line: I don’t want to know your name, or interact with you for any longer than I have to in order to place my order. As far as I’m concerned, you’re the equivalent of a conveyor belt that brings me my food and a computer into which I input my order. Of course, I won’t be rude. But don’t expect me to interact with you any more than I would with some stranger.

Image Credit: cafemama

 

Did you earn this tip?

 

2. You don’t get paid enough

And this is my problem how exactly? It’s astonishing that customers are expected to make up for your employer’s cheapness in not paying you a decent wage. Please include the full cost in everyone’s bill thank you very much. I’ll pay it because I have to and the charge is there for me to see.

What’s really funny here is that no one seems to criticize the employers! All criticism is reserved for non tipping customers instead of the owners of the restaurant for not paying a decent wage. Wtf! Could it possibly be because you guys know you can make much more by tips and under report your income to the IRS?

3. You’ll spit in my food if I don’t tip you?

And I’ll shoot your kid if you don’t give me a million dollars. Seriously, am I even hearing this right? You’re actually using the threat of blackmail to make me pay you? Well as long as you’re openly claiming to be a criminal it’s all right I guess.

Fortunately that’s why I prefer buffets. Listen apart from it being illegal, this shows your poor integrity. But if you spit in someone’s food because they didn’t give you money you didn’t earn, then you’re a loser and deserve to be a waiter for the rest of your life.

4. Bringing me my food isn’t worthy of being paid extra

Did you cook it? Did you invent it? No. You picked it up and brought it to me. While it might not be easy, there are plenty of jobs which are much worse – shop floor workers for example. And I’ve been a shop floor manager, so I know. Face it – compared to other jobs, being a waiter is unskilled. You get paid what the market will think your services are worth. You don’t deserve more for your work over and above what your employer should pay you.

5. Money doesn’t grow on trees

I expect you to be grateful and pray for me at night if I tip you 10%. Be happy I gave you anything at all. I worked for the money in my wallet and by giving you some I didn’t have to, I’m doing you a favor. Learn to remember that when people give you something they don’t need to, it’s a favor. You don’t complain that they didn’t give you more!

By the way, the same thing above applies to all professions that demand tips including those on cruise liners.

So now that you understand why I won’t give you money you don’t deserve, stop with the “oh how could you?” attitude. I can. And I will.

Update: Here’s a rebuttal of the many silly justifications for tipping that people have given in the comments section.

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Comments

  1. This is great! If you don’t want to tip your “servants”, seat yourself, make your own drink, go to the kitchen, order directly from the kitchen staff, pick up your own food, eat, get all your own iced tea refills, clean up your table, do your dishes, and set the table for the next person!! Also please don’t forget to take out the trash, the recycling (separate the bottles from the cardboard), sweep and mop! Thanks so much! Saves me so much time! For the record every person who “serves” you in my establishment has a college degree AT MINIMUM. Just let the establishment know how you feel about degrading other humans and I’m sure they’ll be happy to let you serve yourself! Good luck.

    Reply

    • In reply to Lauren

      You are a simple servant. If you don’t like it get a real job.

      Reply

    • In reply to Lauren

      Lauren it is your job to perform those tasks. It is not the customers responsibility to supplement your minimum wage job. Hell, even your employer doesn’t think you are worth more money. You are delusional to think you should get paid extra money. My advice to you us grow the fuck up and get an actual adult job. .

      Reply

      • In reply to Beth

        Another year has gone by since my last post and in the past 12 months I have been busy shitting, spitting, dumpster slicing the plates of known stiffs. Can’t count the number of times I have rubbed my sweaty ballsack on Mr. Patel’s silverware, and pissed in his wineglass…Still not a single problem with law enforcement, or the health department…

        Reply

      • In reply to Shit on your plate

        You are a liar that lives in your parents basement. You are a loser in life, and will remain a virgin forever because no girl wants you.

        Reply

  2. Disgruntled server says:

    I too have been wiping my sweaty ballsack, pissing, sneezing, spitting in people’s food and drinks from whom I know are shitty tippers, especially Indians. If your name is badalad balandabad shikir or anything resembling, I would tell your server first that you aren’t a piece of shit dot knot, and that you tip 15-30% depending on service or I swear to God I am spitting in your food and rubbing my sweaty ass hole and ballsack o hands all over the mouth of your glass, and in your food. Oh and I’m not alone, you can be sure that it’s happening to you wherever you go, Ruth’s Chris, Morton’s, Mc Cormicks, Mcdonald’s Ruby Tuesday… anywhere. Next time one of you piece of shit sandniggers eats out, think about my sweaty asshole and how I finger fucked my ass like a horny 16 year old, and then stirred it in your sweet tea. Sincerely- college educated, certified sommelier, married, non virgin, with 4 adopted children. May you burn in hell only after you get herpes from my butthole fingers.

    Reply

    • In reply to Disgruntled server

      I am 100% sure you have been a liar and a loser your entire life. You have no friends and live in your parents basement. There is no doubt in my mind you will remain a virgin forever. I am also positive that you fantasize live action role play dressed as the mighty Thor or some other characters with other loser adults. I feel very sorry for you.

      Reply

  3. Hi,I am an Indian who goes to restaurant because I like to explor this world.I belive that I have right NOT to tip server no matter what. I like to rush them with my order and pay without any tip.HAHAHAHA.If server follow me on my way out,I will just give them a dollar HAHAHAHA.That way I feel like donating my chump change to that dogging server.It’s funny that you pay for your food and spend more for that tip amount.I go to some restaurant with my friends,5-7 of us will order 3 dishes to share.In the meanwhile we will try to interrupt servers from finishing other tasks,that way they won’t be able to make tip money from other tables HAHAHA.

    Reply

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